[Universe]

Pharaohs Army:

Liked the opening bar - Simple but with a strong message behind it. Good start. This is actually the theme for the entire verse. Fairly elementary rhyming but a very strong message behind it. I DID like this, but some of your wording didn't drag me into the vibe... it actually accomplished the opposite and pulled me out of it...

Eg.

"Reminds him of his days as musician"

- Forgetting the "a" seems like a minor thing, but it makes this line seem mechanical. It's SO important to proofread.

"Years later. Growth as a writer.
A known fighter, lighting his own fire."

- "Growth as a writer" as a statement all it's own doesn't resonate with anyone. It's like a cliff note... drains all the emotion out of it. Give us DETAIL, not point form notes.

This was much better...

"He’s a caged bird, but his headphones set him free to listen with.
One or two girls, over the years he was smitten with.
Now he asks where his 20’s went. It’s a fasttrack, isn’t it?"

- Clear and to the point. Reads well.

Again, I dug the message behind this but couldn't quite get passed the basic rhyming and mechanical approach.

p.s. Bugs buzzed in the shrubs


Adverse:

So glad to see someone use the word "terrarium" lol. Never hear it enough... like gargantuan.

Anyway, strong stuff as always. The prison metaphors were littered throughout but to me this is mostly about isolation and ones ability to escape any physical situation if they let their imagination take them elsewhere. I think you nailed that aspect.

"My perception is lost inside of me, I’ve lost my senses, too
You could never see the world as bleak as these aqua lenses do"

- This was an impactful line. Sort of talking to the reader directly, very meta, liked it.

Your verses BEG to be read more than once. And not in a 'finish it and re-read' way; more like a read one bar then re-read it way. Your words DEMAND a second viewing - and that's always a sign of a deeper mind, and a writer willing to be vulnerable... Which is the mark of any good writer.

"Daily I learn the lesson as my hands are stretching for the stars
That this room’s become a prison, and depression’s standing guard"

- LOTB ^^ Loved this in every way.

Great job overall my dude.

Enjoyable read guys. PA def had something to say here but he was overpowered in almost every category when you really break it down. This went as expected.

Vote - Adverse