Netcees - View Single Post - WEEK SEVEN: BROKENHAL0 0-1 vs CANDY 1-4 HAL0 WINS

Universe · 01-18-2021, 08:07 PM

brokenhal0:

Well, fuck. Where did this come from? Whole new feel from you - more conventional but it worked. Solid multi's and wording, best I've seen from you. Makes me wonder why you've been fucking around so much with your verses when I see this. This is some top-notch stuff, man.

"Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs"

- Fire start. Caught me off guard.

"minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family
brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority
the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be
able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry"

- Another great section here. Well written, with impact.

Overall this was a great piece. Best I've seen from you, obviously. Stay on this path.

Candy:

You put a lot of thought into this verse and I appreciate that. You had some flashes of really good writing here and there but it was lost in a sea of barely comprehensible diatribes. I felt lost at points. Wording was off and words were missing or just... not clarified. I did enjoy some of this, it's just hard to really digest your work at times. Which is unfortunate, because the skill peeks its head out occassionally.

Sometimes you say things just to say things - They have no discernable meaning. They just... happen to somewhat rhyme. Or be a unique choice of wording. But that doesn't hold weight with me; You have to justify your word choices at all times, either for technical purposes or to progress your story, characters, etc. Think of every line as an opportunity... Don't waste it!

Respect for dropping every week and staying with it though.

But hal0 opened a new door for himself here...

Vote - brokenhal0

01-18-2021, 08:07 PM	#4
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	brokenhal0: Well, fuck. Where did this come from? Whole new feel from you - more conventional but it worked. Solid multi's and wording, best I've seen from you. Makes me wonder why you've been fucking around so much with your verses when I see this. This is some top-notch stuff, man. "Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days got me a ladder when I seen the maze as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs" - Fire start. Caught me off guard. "minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry" - Another great section here. Well written, with impact. Overall this was a great piece. Best I've seen from you, obviously. Stay on this path. Candy: You put a lot of thought into this verse and I appreciate that. You had some flashes of really good writing here and there but it was lost in a sea of barely comprehensible diatribes. I felt lost at points. Wording was off and words were missing or just... not clarified. I did enjoy some of this, it's just hard to really digest your work at times. Which is unfortunate, because the skill peeks its head out occassionally. Sometimes you say things just to say things - They have no discernable meaning. They just... happen to somewhat rhyme. Or be a unique choice of wording. But that doesn't hold weight with me; You have to justify your word choices at all times, either for technical purposes or to progress your story, characters, etc. Think of every line as an opportunity... Don't waste it! Respect for dropping every week and staying with it though. But hal0 opened a new door for himself here... Vote - brokenhal0 __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..