[fraze]

Originally Posted by Objective

What resides within "survive"
besides body, flesh and meat?

I try to BE.
Try to see, reflect and speak to Self's hipocrisy honestly.
Logic over emotion, such artistry crave moves moved cautiously.
[b]cool start. don't know what 'artistry crave moves moved' means[b]
Unlearn language, that's when being real is truthful,
true to you's you, just turn, then you can use "U".
this is ok. might have worked better with the "U" in a diff place
Yet,
to let myself strip naked is what thinking has stooped to.
Glued to this notion of leaving consciousness open.
So much
That my heart has been broken by erosion of being as anxiousness' token,
my joke has been stolen; the anti-thesis to why God hasn't spoken.
Feel like escaping to Poland
for finding meaning in movies by Nolan.
like the flow in the first part of this section. poland/nolan feels random
I rip conclusions to pieces, solutions decieving
confused with believing there's hope within dope cus a moment to cope is so freeing.
Actions turn smoke into seeing the clouds in my eyes,
if this hits on a personal level I won't exhale a heartfelt surprise.
We're just in the process of dealing with no answers to life.
nice rhymes here. ended this section well.
Yo...
I need reality's touch to set the scene before entering,
cus it's pestering and feels threatening to take account of everything.
So,
I tell myself this when it's settling:
don't like this slant rhyme
Who said life isn't wary, clearly unfair and endearing,
so why are you fearing the depths that you're nearing?
I dare you to mute the blindfolded sneering.
Then seek out the clearing and thinking of which,
where you turn off your wimping and flip on the switch.
strong rhymes to close. ending is ok

This seems fairly stream of consciousness but not in a bad way. I liked the use of rhymes and the changes of pacing through the verse. An enjoyable read but I would have liked to see you do more with the pic. You had a couple tie ins through the verse, but I would have liked to see a stronger theme connecting the different sections of your piece. Could be narrative, visual, structural, repetition based, whatever, you clearly have a deep bag of tricks to draw from. But give the verse a framework so it isn't just you flexing your rhyming skill (which is good, I will give you credit for that).

Originally Posted by Scar

“Scorpio”

Brain surveyed the terrain. It was a flat land with few vantage points.
In the distance were plateaus possibly two-hundred feet high and conjoined
At the base. “Over there, men, he pointed
A Calvary of armored men. With swords, charging the land, victory or death is the mission
The basic rule of war: secure the best position.
like the opening. great job of setting up scene. a little light on rhymes but i'm still with you

Heart and his band of merry men, rummaged the jungle.
Some of death some stumbled
Clad in rainbow armors they stood out like ultimate warrior in a royal rumble
Long hair draped their shoulders as much hair flip was done
cool setup work. we can see both sides of the war
Among this troop was Scorpio
A rather short fellow but his strength was elsewhere
His belch of war was legendary. He once rescued 30 fallens while weak and weary
He always had this pouch with him. Nobody knows whats in it
The protected it. Never left it behind, still untouched
character intro. rhyming has gotten a little more inconsistent

Brain spotted the enemy. They laid death traps around the plateau
Clad in gold, to reflect the sun’s ray to blind the heart troops
They were quite clever. Plus the vantage offered them the luxury
To survey the peaks and valleys of the terrain. The spotted bumbling team
All colorful, trying to hind behind the dust and trees.
plot development. we have some conflict

Brain, grinned a presupposed victory as his men dug ditches
Sticking out of the ground were sharpened sticks
While the troops atop collected rocks and stones
Much were known about the enemy.
Brain did his research. They often initiated with the bullhorn formation
As they stormed and raid the side with the heavy guns
But that only leaves the middle vulnerable to deadly stunts
like this section. setting up the misdirection

From his vantage point its impossible for the archaic formation to work
Below, he observed as his men collected muds and dirt
Once the battle commence, the will dust up the area to disrupt visibility
It was all well calculated, he’s ready to take the hills and trees
rhyming is better. good multies keep the story rolling

Heart, battled mosquitos and snakes of the harsh landscape
A plan’s made. “Men, we’ll start with the bull horn!
But Scorpio objected. “Sir, how will we surround a plateau full of kilelr thorns?
“Your job is to listent to me soldier. Not think.”
“Yes sir”, said Scorpio as he relented
His hands gripped tightly his little sack-a-dos
rhyming got sloppy again but continuing character work/setup
“Left team your job is to exhaust all artillery and bait them to that side.
Right team, your job is to use stealth and climb while the right team handle business
I need all the best shooters on left team and all the agiles on the right, you sons of bitches
The middle, we shall survey the plateau edges for any entrance point!
setting up the scene.
With that, the made their way towards the plateau.
Along the base were large cloud of dirt obstructing the view.
Meanwhile, Scorpio, took it upon himself and rushed the troops.
His hand gripping tightly the sack, he solemn left and right
While bullets flew by him, clipping his fatigue in midflight
“Scorpio, what the fuck are you doing you little shit?!”
But that was how he moved. Relenting to the will of God.
He was lost int he cloud. As the troops moved in formation.
The left squad gathered their ammos while the right moved towards the basin
stuff is happening

The first shot was fired, just as Brain suspected it.
But what he didn’t expect was the increasing dark stain on his chest.
He fell, revealing a lone soldier standing behind him.
It was scorpio, some how he climbed in
Took a perfect aim and won them the war.
But quite the phhyric victory as he was riddled with shots
His eyes to the sky, and his finger tightly clasping the priceless sack
He dropped to his knee as his head bobbled to the momentum.
Scorpio was dead.
surprise twist. you kinda stopped rhyming tho

Brain, still fuming from Scorpio’s action, took it upon himself to blast the left side.
The battlefield smelled of apocalypse now. Death resides as flesh slides
Off the face of many soldiers. But they continue to fight on.
Meanwhile the right crew are being bombarded with rocks and stones
picked back up the rhymes
When suddenly the brain army halted, their attack slowed
Allowing the brains to resume the siege. They made their way to the top
Only to see the soldiers standing around to observe their commander in chief
Laid dead, his chest bleeding. Near him another figure was slumped on his knees,
Being shot at and kicked. The brain army continued the assault only to find one of their comrade
kind sad
Dead as they picked him up. “Ah you little fuck! Why’d you rush on your own?”
Commander brain took his dog tag and belongings, along with the sack-a-dos
He slowly opened it up, curious and excited, with small texture of fear
This was his strength all along. He pulled out a photo and lifted in the air
cool setup. this is what the whole piece has been building towards
God be damn it, men! You see! AS they all scrambled to see
He didnt fight for you or me, he fought for his family.
The son of a bitch blocked out the pain and focused on the warmth of his family
Thats why he was able to continue when we couldn’t all those days
Rest well soldier. The credits roll as Flight of the Valkyries plays.
this ending feels a little cliche, for such a creative take on the pic. but still a solid close

Dude you're a dope writer. Liked the concept and the story. But in places this felt more like a short story than a topical b/c rhyming was turned on and off. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme but as a reader its a little confusing if there isn't a consistent approach to whether you do it or not. It might have been cool to have the hearts rhyme and the brains no or something like that, but it didn't seem like there was a reason when the rhymes stopped, and that kinda throws me off reading it. Still a dope piece, but it makes it harder for me to give you full marks, whatever that means.

Vote: Scar Both of you guys are good writers so in some ways this comes down to style. Objective had strong rhymes but his piece felt disconnected. Scar had a very cohesive narrative with the brain vs heart war, but stopped rhyming in random places. At the end of the day tho, I think I enjoyed Scars piece a little bit more and he did enough poetically for me to give him a little leeway on the rhymes. Objective also a good read, but I think Scar made stronger use of the pic.