Universe. You're a dope writer. You had vivid imagery a compelling story and consistent rhymes. Would have liked more variety in the flow of the piece and complexity of your rhyming patterns, but that's more stylistic and a minor complaint (though it is definitely something that impacts a piece of this length more than a shorter piece, don't want to lose people's attention).
My major complaint is the length of the piece. If feel like you could have easily edited this down by almost half and kept the essence of the your story with a much tighter and compelling piece. It's not that the stuff that you didn't cut was bad, it's not. But if your piece was more focused it would be less of a struggle to get through and would keep the reader on your side. There is payoff in the end, but you make the reader do a lot of work to get there.
Length alone doesn't make a better piece, you need to justify the economy of words. This was more like a series of slightly related topicals mashed together. I would have preferred to read one of them that focused on a single style and theme and took that as far as you can go. If you had gone straight from the first section to the last it still would have been a good piece and you might not be awaiting votes a week later.
Mr. J - I liked the even flow and you have strong rhymes throughout the piece. Short lines make it easier to follow your cadence. You're also using imagery well. I thought you hit your stride in this section.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Mr. J
Beyond the hilltop and at the highest peak
Stood the wisest who had tried to see.
What drives us and how we find our feet.
As it was colder, one only had time to think
To ponder society and what it would like to be
From the buildings, to the flights and seas.
When tears froze over, and the eyes would freeze
It was easy to tell the difference, in pride & thee
What controlled who when the ice was weak.
With frigid air came an opening most forgot
And when one strayed too far & hope was lost
It was there they would see the scope of it all.
The untamed that was simply a ghost, the fraught.
Covered in numerous cuts and scrapes.
Able to see the reflection of what became....
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This is a solid piece. You guys are both quality writers, but you weren't able to cover as much ground given the disparity in length.
Vote: Universe Universe love the writing but being practical your verse is too long for a weekly topical contest format. You're not going to be able to get enough readers for a verse that long to get votes. Even 50 lines is a lot for casual readers/voters. 100 lines+ is a lot to ask. I almost gave this to Mr. J on a TKO style dq for length, but doesn't quite feel fair to penalize the better verse for being to long.