Netcees - View Single Post - WEEK FIVE: ADVERSE 0-0 VS SCAR 1-0 SCAR WINS VIA FORFEIT

Universe · 12-30-2020, 09:42 AM

Scar:

I get serious dead man vibes from you sometimes.... It's a compliment for sure, but honestly you're not at your best when you do this sort of... outside the box, metaphorical stuff. I like when you attack the topic more directly - you have the ability to do it better than most. To me, your abstract verses are a tender disguise for a lack of effort... Don't shoot me down for that lol, just an opinion. I KNOW what you're capable of. Also, I can tell immediately how your piece will go by how you lay it out... Go look at your first 4 weeks in the GWL... and do that over and over lol.

I liked what you were saying near the end though. Impressive stuff.

"That long delay, though.
Awkward silence. Still guessing if it’s of joy or of pain
Or some sort of ploy to Gain
Advantage. Lost in this vantage point
10.2’ partition glasses. At least there’s no awkwardness..."

- The casualness of this is impressive to me... You have the ability to TALK to the reader... making us forget it's a rhyme.

"Just to crazy kids
Two crazy kids
At later stages of bliss
Holding hands conversations, kisses
Open legs and scrimmage
Til we create an image"

- Loved this as well.

Those highlights aside, I still failed to see too much of a connection to the topic. This was right up your alley and I wanted a literal approach from you... Something dark and scary that represented childhood and all the fears associated with it. You could destroy that version of the topic and I was a little bummed I didn't get it tbh.

Taken as a whole, this was an overall solid effort Scar, don't get me wrong - I enjoyed it. Just I'm left with a vacant feeling at the end... Empty. But as your last line pointed out, maybe that's what was intended here...

"It’s all contingent on all that’s missing"

Indeed.

Adverse:

Impressive verse here my dude. Really enjoyed it. You took this where I was hoping both of you would go, so I was glad to see at least ONE of you did. The opening line was perfect...

"Building of forts, my entire body being clad with blankets
That gave me a path worth taking into the warmth of my imagination"

- I read this and was like, "Yesss" haha

Something I noticed - Sometimes your set up lines were better than your punchline - which is actually a good thing... but makes the punch somewhat deflating. It seems you can be TOO good of a writer at the wrong times lol... I'm guilty of this too though. Just a quick side note for ya.

Loved this part:

"The haze you see the world in when you’re thinking of yesterday
The warm butterflies of childhood wonderment all lying in shallow graves
The day I lose the spark is the day I lose the reason my heart ticks
When life becomes a sloppy collage of debts, bills and trips to the market"

- Amazing stuff here. "Butterflies of childhood wonderment all lying in shallow graves" especially. LOTB, for sure.

I also really enjoyed the 'Fuck you to adulthood' section, where you blame old age for robbing you of your creativity and willingness to explore and take chances. I thought it was a change of pace in the verse that I didn't expect or see coming... but came as a nice surprise. Very poignant. Your "little light being extinguished" really summed this up beautifully... And the "vampires lying in wait" was a perfect conclusion and related to the topic well.

Impressive stuff as usual. Nothing more to say. You nailed it.

Good battle guys, love both of you and I'll forever be a fan of everything you write. Addy took this one though with a better connection to the topic and an all around better showing in general. He tried harder, and it paid off.

Respect to both.

Vote - Adverse

12-30-2020, 09:42 AM	#8
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 999 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178702	Scar: I get serious dead man vibes from you sometimes.... It's a compliment for sure, but honestly you're not at your best when you do this sort of... outside the box, metaphorical stuff. I like when you attack the topic more directly - you have the ability to do it better than most. To me, your abstract verses are a tender disguise for a lack of effort... Don't shoot me down for that lol, just an opinion. I KNOW what you're capable of. Also, I can tell immediately how your piece will go by how you lay it out... Go look at your first 4 weeks in the GWL... and do that over and over lol. I liked what you were saying near the end though. Impressive stuff. "That long delay, though. Awkward silence. Still guessing if it’s of joy or of pain Or some sort of ploy to Gain Advantage. Lost in this vantage point 10.2’ partition glasses. At least there’s no awkwardness..." - The casualness of this is impressive to me... You have the ability to TALK to the reader... making us forget it's a rhyme. "Just to crazy kids Two crazy kids At later stages of bliss Holding hands conversations, kisses Open legs and scrimmage Til we create an image" - Loved this as well. Those highlights aside, I still failed to see too much of a connection to the topic. This was right up your alley and I wanted a literal approach from you... Something dark and scary that represented childhood and all the fears associated with it. You could destroy that version of the topic and I was a little bummed I didn't get it tbh. Taken as a whole, this was an overall solid effort Scar, don't get me wrong - I enjoyed it. Just I'm left with a vacant feeling at the end... Empty. But as your last line pointed out, maybe that's what was intended here... "It’s all contingent on all that’s missing" Indeed. Adverse: Impressive verse here my dude. Really enjoyed it. You took this where I was hoping both of you would go, so I was glad to see at least ONE of you did. The opening line was perfect... "Building of forts, my entire body being clad with blankets That gave me a path worth taking into the warmth of my imagination" - I read this and was like, "Yesss" haha Something I noticed - Sometimes your set up lines were better than your punchline - which is actually a good thing... but makes the punch somewhat deflating. It seems you can be TOO good of a writer at the wrong times lol... I'm guilty of this too though. Just a quick side note for ya. Loved this part: "The haze you see the world in when you’re thinking of yesterday The warm butterflies of childhood wonderment all lying in shallow graves The day I lose the spark is the day I lose the reason my heart ticks When life becomes a sloppy collage of debts, bills and trips to the market" - Amazing stuff here. "Butterflies of childhood wonderment all lying in shallow graves" especially. LOTB, for sure. I also really enjoyed the 'Fuck you to adulthood' section, where you blame old age for robbing you of your creativity and willingness to explore and take chances. I thought it was a change of pace in the verse that I didn't expect or see coming... but came as a nice surprise. Very poignant. Your "little light being extinguished" really summed this up beautifully... And the "vampires lying in wait" was a perfect conclusion and related to the topic well. Impressive stuff as usual. Nothing more to say. You nailed it. Good battle guys, love both of you and I'll forever be a fan of everything you write. Addy took this one though with a better connection to the topic and an all around better showing in general. He tried harder, and it paid off. Respect to both. Vote - Adverse __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..