Was a bit terse and harsh with my feed on a previous piece of yours.
So let's give it another shot.
And for the record, @
big baby, if I tell dead man there are "rhyme droughts", or "this isn't as good as your usual"--it's all in relation to his previous works.
You peg me as a simpleton for end rhymes, when in reality, I've read a lot of dead man. Anyways,
dm,
wish I had your knack for "tone" and descriptions. Trying to write something now for a contest and it just misses the meat on the bones that you bring (and brought in this one).
Now, could I post 3 paragraphs asking you WHY you're breaking the line at a particular place (particularly in the beginning)? Sure, I could. But I won't. I'll just try to stick to the content and trust there was a reason you did it.
it took me
years to sort through boxes
where we stored our belongings. stories exhausted
normal nonsense. toys, portrait composites
Good opening. good RHYMES.
tortured writer trope, a closet full of disguises
Good line. Says a lot with so little.
hooded hippie heretic on hopeless horizons
You know I wouldn't miss this alliteration.
birthday cards, paraphernalia, promises
exchanged in innocent honesty
A lot of your verses are packed with...nostalgia, for lack of a better term.
our language was a mixture of toxin
whiskey tonic. symptom vs. pharma. waiting to fix
plucking at our veins cause they're collapsing again
growing long in tooth and full of mucous and spit
lost inside his thoughts, reimagining shit
junkyard puppy practicing fetch by chasing a dragon
fell off and crumpled up beneath the weight of the wagon
Some heavy heroin vibes here.
save our napkins full of caricatures
half asleep and very concerned
i like the rhyme
so who do we call?
when all our heroes have fallen
A common trope in some of your pieces.
Heroes have fallen, heroes are dead.
all our parents are fossils and all the liquor is gone
its been tough. please forgive me for all of it
i'm only a consequence
Ending is somewhat abrupt. I don't know what I expected though.
Again, I'd just like to express that I'm impressed with your tone and descriptions.
Some day we'll talk about line breaks.
I quoted a bunch of this verse but not all of it, that's not a reflection on the parts that weren't quoted. I was just pressed for time and typing this up.
Will read the next one. Have a good day