First off I loved the picture. Def my type of topical.
Candy: I enjoyed your verse last week but I enjoy this verse even more. You came with it this week. I'm totally digging your style. I really loved your imagery and the way you described everything. I was diggin' the vocab you used but felt the word placement in some areas were off and made the flow not so smooth in some places. What I really liked was how you painted a picture with your verse so I could actually see the story in my mind. If you added some multi syllables in your rhyme scheme mixed with your wording you would be a real force. I really enjoyed this verse and you showed improvement from last week.
Con: you be writing some novels homie lol. I was really feeling your opening 2 bars. sounds like something I would write. Nice way to open it up and paint a picture for the reader to get into.
before I tell this story.. already smelled the coffee
but all I could taste was aroma of hollow melancholy
as an apathetic heathen tormented by hellish anxiety
nightmarish sobriety tempted me to perish quietly"---flow was standard but I loved the wording and the way you described this segment.
You've really come a long way. Ive always loved how direct you are with your wording but now you have a poetic more intelligent way of describing things but you still kept your direct essence. I love to see that type of shit.
like a sick act of witchcraft glimmering through the pitch black
I reached for my rifle with a quick grab then let off six blasts"---Liked this part a lot.
Vote- Concrete. Felt his story was a bit more interesting and kept me engaged more. I also fely he was more on point when it came to the technicalities. Props to both writers tho. Thanks for a good read from both.
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