[ACTIVATE SELF]

Objective

Destiny: Blue

Her hearts a musician starving for fame.
She's been bombarding her name to go on a mission,
cus her pupiled emerald vision told her to listen
with conditioned precision to blame.
Then spoonfed degrees that corrupted the flame.
Got guns out, but shunned doubt is blank ammunition,
a stimming tradition with no meals in the kitchen.
There's no need when you're not living for one,
while sealing the deal; knowing her niché isn't for fun;
along with squealing hints that the richest will bond.
This girl won't sell superstition in exchange
for the strange and deranged form of a world
in chains that pave way for a prison in pain,

I have no idea what you're talking about, at least not yet. I mean, the actual aim of the narrative is kind of ambiguous at this point. Something about a girl, living in pain, or something like that. I'm not entirely sure. But maybe as I continue to read on it will all come together. On another note. One thing I love about your particular brand of writing is that it always feels like Hip-hop, which contrary to what some of the writers on these types of forums may think, is the actual root of what we do here, albeit, nowadays, a very loose interpretation of that. But the point still remains relevant, at least to me it does. I really enjoy pieces that have a natural swing and sway in terms of rhythm. And that's something this verse seems to have.

and stories untold.
Sore, broken and cold,
yet winners applaud sinners accepting their Cain/lord
as contradictions unfold.
No yearning for change except coin-sweeping in Hell,
I place bets on her wishes... That she's meaning it well.

I like how the last two line are worded. They kind of just roll of the tongue with ease. However, if I'm being absolutely honest, I still have not idea what this story is about. I mean, don't get me wrong, I, myself, love playing with the angles, and incorporating subliminal and symbolic meaning into my verses. Sometimes I intentionally go for the abstract route, instead of the linear and more obvious one. With that being said, I'm not entirely convinced that's the path you're attempting to taking here. To me it seems like you're focused on telling a more traditional type of story, but what it's actually trying to depict seems a little lost in the sauce to me. In other words, I can't make out a concrete visual of what's taking place, nor have I identified a clear plot or premise.

On it went with seeking a crash course in treating the rash noise defeating
a past voice that's beating that last void of a mind-
that used to find devoid reasons to season masked force
with gravy that's been aiding and shaming her lately,
to the angelic tunes of a corpse that's been abused
and ignored.
Even her soul is a fiend to being annoyed,
and clued to the truce of a muse that accused her for more.
Some say that she's due cus she used to live for the score.
Yet she wrote knowledge in code,
that's crack for her age!
No titled descriptions in vain for emotions she owed.
No maybe's, I'm saying her self got betrayed,
with reflections delayed
while connecting the nodes.
Lightness is
a fighter alone,
carving the past to righteousness
stone.
A siren honing a
marvelous tone
is requiring the fire
that's harmful to some.
...

Well, I do love your structure, pacing, and your poetic language, but again...some of these lines seem like you're just rhyming for the sake of rhyming. Not in an elementary way. I mean, the verbiage is very mature. But what exactly is being said or expressed here? I mean, from what I gather she's a poor girl that's been neglected by society, which is cool. But now that we've assessed that...what happens next? The story needs more meat on it's bones. As it stands, it's pretty thin.

Atmosphere: Rainy.
as the book turned and burned with doubts
and hope leaning on crazy,
another character traded!
An amateur faded
and feigning for blood.

Yet elegant,
Zany.
She nipped the seed at the bud,
a greedy purse seine.
Constrained it got learned with aim to be earned,
she covered it bravely.
A concord spiritual on board to empower the rage,
then cut beasts from the leash that was tied to her cage.
Realizing how to get the conscious contained
is concocting the sane stitches with the needle that hits
skin-deep:
it's the souls version of slitting your wrists.
Do you think it's a misdeed?
Cut the thread of dying corals,
uncover the why in morals,

The highlighted section was hot fire.

see the spirit of which veins
that fuel society's hissed feats,
say hi to Ms. Laurel!
But who listens to pissed teens?
The eye of the storm isn't something you borrow,
yet to exist is.
Loving the strict needs. Mince "alas",
bow but no arrow on stripped leads
from Catholic priests to mantras of Inshallah's.
Rope in the scope to cloak any reason to vent,
then list dreams in a dying attempt to find hope in contempt.
Don't poke stress, or the morning is spent.
A reason to cope less
is no less than protests from hopeless monsters touring Crow's mess.
So she nurtued love's nest.

The only way this girl would fail to heal her pond lily heart
is the barred notion to not know who you really are.

Yeah, so in conclusion I find myself still baffled by what I just read. And again, I know the piece I just wrote didn't follow a straight path, so to speak. The theme in and of itself was about connecting the dots to the picture, as well as the imagery that the picture inspired, at least that was the goal I was hoping to achieve. And I suppose you could easily say the same about this piece. However, I don't know, O. this piece seemed pretty light in terms of substance and plot. It was definitely a character driven piece, but even with that said, I did not walk away from this read feeling like I knew the character in any measurable or meaningful way, other than the fact that she felt shunned and suicidal.


Universe

I, Except You

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

......

Pre-op

They say you reap what you sew when you wear your heart on your sleeve
Sharp is the needle, but that's harder to see than the scar it might leave
Death targeted me, but before I even start to reach six feet...
I'll confess I was born with heart defects - coronary artery disease
My twin and I were separated at birth, then sewn up urgently
I heard that she changed her name to "Adam" after post-op surgery
Her and me were "thoracopagus twins", a two-way frequency radio
Females with this condition prevail over males at a 3 to 1 ratio
Regaining composure I asked, "Where's Adam?" like I want some good news
A doctor mused,"Your um, 'friend' perished earlier from a puncture wound"
"You'll be going under soon... If a heart's ignored it won't restart"
"It shows you are the requested recipient, as per this organ donor card..."
It felt like my chest was blown apart; my life flashed before my eyes
I have to press rewind, because in truth, everything before Adam was a lie...

I suppose the highlighted section will prove to be very revelatory by the time we reach the twist at the end. Right now I have several possible outcomes circulating in my head. But who knows how this will all turn out? In any case, I think the first stanza flowed fluidly, and the imagery was basically cinematic in description. Good stuff.

A Way Together

I'm adamant by design, living life with more questions than answers
My P.I. tracked Adam to a nearby school, I of course requested the transfer
It's odd to see him as he was... We met in geography class
He stole my heart; I found it hard to even ask for my property back
In fact I hated seeing him responding to that blonde with the rack
She's a topography map - I had to honestly ask 'what's the problem with that?'
Perhaps I'll just bump into him... that will make me an obvious catch (right?)
The blonde girl will watch closely - Adam will probably laugh
It felt like a lottery scratch, but since my health diminished weekly...
That smile was all it took to give myself to him completely
His eyes are hazel, mine are green; Strange our colors weren't the same...
Blushing burnt my face, but for what came next I only have HER to blame
Behind his fake smile was laughter, and I was panicking fast...
As he man'd up and asked the blonde out, his hand on her ass
Can't get used to that crumbling feeling... tunnels collapse and yet loom
So how can you pass and get through when the other half rejects you?
It's like playing Connect Two... He teased me knowin' I'd come
Tearing holes in my chest, I folded up tent and sewed it all shut
Watching as the couple fell in love... it put me in a hell of a rut
But I wondered, by taking two lives... could I give myself one?
.

Blood Runs Cold

Was marked to die 'til the heart arrived; gas pumps what the lungs will need
The doc administered anesthetic and said, "Count backwards from 100 please..." (99, 98, 97...)
I remembered squeezing into the blonde's house in the middle of the night
A hood kept me hidden from eyesight as I quickly tucked my knife
She didn't try to fight; I find her lost stare was always aware
Not at all fair, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut off her blonde hair
THEN she got scared... Well fuck, she is dressed like a prostitute
The wall pics proved she had a black family... This bitch is adopted too??
Growing up I never got a room... It seems spillin' your blood's fitting
Now this slut's bitching cuz I made her down a bottle of pills in one sitting
I watched her little light seep away, turnin' her green eyes grey (wait...)
Then fled the scene just as her parents pulled into the driveway
Walked to Adam's place, buzzed, like an apartment with a lobby
My knife entered oddly, saw his last breath as it departed from his body
A piece of heart was probably rotting - This was cold blooded stuff
He lay on the floor bleeding, blood pouring from a hole in his gut
I loved him but... it's under construction, I'll lay the groundwork
Your basic coward, pressing on his neck as his pulse takes a downturn
Now there's nothing left; I started to remove his dark Nike sweats...
But when I pulled off his shirt I saw no scars on his flesh... (weird)
Nothing marked a change of sex... Pain is pleasure in the end
I'm in a gas-induced dream world, the strangest pressure on my chest...
I accepted you for YOU, yes, even when arteries were severed
Now you'll always be with me, Adam... cuz you're part of me... Forever.

A Change of Heart

4 Months Later...

Passed all post-op tests with flying colors, in fact I was better without flaws
I left the hospital's trap resolved that I never would get caught
A black woman's in the hall - Flash to the blonde's house... pictures on the wall...
She said, "I'm sorry for what Alyse did... It just isn't like her at all"
Then, "I'm not here to stir the pot but... I'm Alyse's foster m-mother..."
Her language stuttered, it's like a pin dropped, revealing pieces undiscovered
My equilibrium shuddered, I knew before she spoke I'd feel the blow
"Police said Alyse found you and Adam cheating... then tried to kill you both"
"I know God shows us the ways to go - suicide just isn't one"
"I'm not that religious but... damage was done using my prescription drugs"
"So if you wondered why your surgery happened, I figured I'd come confirm the fact..."
"That Alyse was your biological twin... therefore the perfect match"
Brain cells fired fast, a burning match - Guess I should've banked more
The P.I. I hired led me astray... You always get what you pay for
I stumbled toward the automated doors, running on fumes of cyanide
My twin was by my side, but it wasn't Adam... it was YOU the entire time
I should've recognized your greenish eyes, the brown roots showing faux blonde
But did you see me, Sis? Did you feel it? Did you know all along?
Did you hear the unspoken bond? Or were you hoping you're wrong?
No stopping the time bomb in our chest... Once it explodes then we're gone
We were meant to stick together, this is what you get for showing up God
That's why I wrote this... Now our heart can beat slow... to its song...

I have too many question to even type. Don't take that the wrong way, U. I'm just a natural born critic. It's hard for me to totally suspend reality. But whatever. With that said, I'll just employ the old concept that fact is stranger than fiction. Keeping that in mind, this was a damn good piece. As evident by the fact that I almost read the entire story without stopping to interject an opinion.


Vote: Universe
Contrary to how harsh my feed back may have seemed, I actually quite enjoyed your piece, O. I mean, the poetic language was pretty good, as to was the pacing and overall rhythm of your verse. As a stand alone piece, like something you'd post in the OM, I think I would have given it more favorable feedback. However, as for this battle in general, well, I think I have to give the dub to Universe. Mainly, because he's piece read like a Lifetime movie lol. It was super visual. The wording was spotless, and there was never a drop off in flow or writing. It would be a hard verse for any of us to beat. Good show, fellas. I enjoyed both verses for different reasons.