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Old 11-16-2020, 01:56 AM   #8
Objective
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Johnny - The first 4 lines are okay, can relate. Nothing that catches my attention but cool enough. Not really feeling schedule/pedestal.

Now friendships are pixelated, and we're searching for who to blame
And 6 feet is standard distance instead of my username
^Hah, getting into it now, huh? Thought this was clever.

Enjoying how you keep it going too.

Separation anxiety caused by invisible prison glass
^Well put

Okay ender. Overall I thought it was a cool idea, the mid section was your best one for sure. Were you a bit uninspired with the pic? Average showing, safe and had its moments.

Lucifer Howls - Enjoyed the intro and the following six lines leading into it as it catches my attention and I get invested in the character now.

To not be scared of who I am and shake like Parkinson's disease-
I'm startin' to be me, A girl in a man's body & my heart is on my sleeve-
^Pretty cool, thought the execution could have been better towards the end if you hadn't broken up your multi-scheme with the word "disease" as it breaks up the pattern you got going. It's nitpicking but something I noticed nonetheless.

Farthest from belief & the hardest to believe is who I became now-
^I also think it could have flowed better if removed "the" from this line as it flows better without and conveys the same message.

The same child who use to wear boys clothes but then changed styles!-
^Could be a slight improvement here as well in terms of repetition and choice of words. "Who" is used twice within the same couplet and could be exchanged with "the same child that use/used to" to make it slightly more fresh.

Now I have insane piles of nail polish & lipstick to make great smiles!-
I create miles, of the road I make , it only took that old soul to hate-
Veins as cold as a frozen lake, You don't know the toll it takes-
^Thought this was solid, but instead of "only" perhaps "road I make and it took" to lower the syllable count to improve flow.

Different on the inside but tongue in cheek why control my taste-
^You focus a lot on commas/punctuation elsewhere in your piece but dropped it here, why? Drops the overall image of your piece.

Decent closure. Cool story about a person transitioning into someone else. Going through some stuff for sure.

Vote: Lucipher Howlz. Thought his piece was a bit better stitched together with a story going on. Topical-wise it was about even. I enjoyed Johnny's piece as well but more of an OM-drop to me, rather than a competitive topical piece that'd snatch my vote in this one. Thanks for the reads, both were entertaining in different ways.
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