[Dank]

80 lines opening week, sheesh! Hats off to both of you for that alone. It’s far harder than it looks. Let’s get into this one!


Objective:

Her hearts a musician starving for fame.
She's been bombarding her name to go on a mission,
cus her pupiled emerald vision told her to listen
with conditioned precision to blame.
Then spoonfed degrees that corrupted the flame.
Got guns out, but shunned doubt is blank ammunition,
a stimming tradition with no meals in the kitchen.

I thought the rhyme scheme in this one, bouncing back and forth, was very well done and added another layer to your writing. It’s another marked improvement, showcasing your more recent development as you continue to push yourself and the degree of difficulty employed. You’ve continued to impress here, even though I saw you say you weren’t 100% happy with the final result (are you ever?).

I enjoyed the “code for her age” segment which is very true of women in my experience. Always an enigma.

The interesting thing around this section is how to adopt a different stance, switching from the more orthodox rhyming couplet format and to a more poetic spoken-wordesque broken down bar stylised verse. I think this was actually worked well, and was one of your stronger sections:

Lightness is
a fighter alone,
carving the past to righteousness
stone.
A siren honing a
marvelous tone
is requiring the fire
that's harmful to some.

I think the build-up around here to do with the ethereal and spiritual side to her psyche was well worked, and layered, dissecting her inner most thoughts (and indeed fears) but the line about it being the equivalent to the soul slitting it’s wrists was most poignant. The closing statement in regard to the heart not being full until you truly know who YOU are was also universally relatable, regardless of your colour, creed or religion. I think that was struck a chord too. Objective aimed for the higher hanging fruit here, for sure; not just taking the image at face value.



Universe: The section headed “Pre-op” had me thinking this was to do with a transsexual or transgendered person from the off, similar to Lucipher Howlz verse this week. It seemed too easy an oversight for you to have made early on, so I put it to the back of my mind. Glad I did. The storytelling here is key, coupled with your technical prowess and rhyme scheme to whisk the reader along with you on the journey. Thoracophagus twins isn’t a new one on me, surprisingly, as I have a medical background. The two-way radio idea is dope in that sense. I’m glad that you included more playful elements with this, to keep it entertaining, as 80 lines is a rough ride sometimes. The first segment raised more questions than answers, which was great for keeping my intrigue as to where this was going, the mention of “Your um, ‘friend’” had me questioning who it was and the closing line then around “Everything before Adam was a lie,” had me wondering if this was something to do with religion, possibly? I don’t think it was, but that’s what my initial thoughts were.

The second section starts making me thinking that was deliberate and shows your self awareness here, instantly tapping into that fact. This section was worded really well and I can appreciate the technique behind it:

It's odd to see him as he was... We met in geography class
He stole my heart; I found it hard to even ask for my property back
In fact I hated seeing him responding to that blonde with the rack
She's a topography map - I had to honestly ask 'what's the problem with that?'

Playing Connect Two was another fun idea, and a deft touch I might add.

It's like playing Connect Two... He teased me knowin' I'd come
Tearing holes in my chest, I folded up tent and sewed it all shut

I liked the tent line also, your NBL run must have influenced that punchlinesque quality it had. Well worded again here, also. There was another example I enjoyed a little later on, in the third section, this time used in the set-up of the couplet rather than the “punch” but it’s still effective:

I loved him but... it's under construction, I'll lay the groundwork

The twist at the end with regard to the biological twin was unexpected, but it ties back into the picture well with the heart transplant and your world-building around it worked very well to develop these central characters with an impetus and most importantly a conflict - conflict drives great stories - and I believe that helped you a lot here.

Universes storyline had the edge in terms of captivating the reader with varied plot devices, Chekhov’s guns and twists to it, Objective went for something with a bigger picture narrative and character development. The two were fairly evenly matched up from a technical standpoint, where I can see people being divided between the two, so this comes down to differentials for me personally and while I thought Objective did well with his central characters development - more so than his opponent actually as he could focus solely on one rather than a handful - what decided this for me was Universe’s creativity in his storytelling. The originality factor ultimately is what leads me to my conclusion here this week, and with that said - great battle gentlemen.

Vote - Universe