Netcees - View Single Post

Universe · 11-14-2020, 03:03 PM

MMLP:

I always look forward to reading your pieces, man. And this is another one that didn't disappoint. There were layers to this verse that I really appreciated... the italics lines sprinkled throughout like breadcrumbs was really a unique thing to read. I loved how they connected too. Correct me if I'm wrong... but is MMLP growing up? lol. Just seems like a way more mature version than your GWL twist-type stuff you were doing back then.

That said, another virus piece... ugh. Fits to the topic though, so not too mad about it this time. This was definitely a metaphor-heavy verse, and it took me a few reads to really unpack everything you were trying to say. But it was worth the effort, overall. At times I felt you towed the line between being too metaphorical at the expense of the story... but I think if people really look at what you're saying they will see the value.

Flow was nice, easy to read. Actually, you could've lengthened your bars a bit and I wouldn't have been mad. You had some room for a little more detail. Some really cool multi's can be found in here too. I hope people really dive deep into this... It's worth it.

Highlights:

"Thoughts clouded with treachery to a kid which is stifled.
As the boundless depression keeps on its vicious cycle,
an ever spinning spiral of those desolate lonely nights
A swift reprisal, being set on opposing sides"

"In my sandpit of misery lie some nuclear reactors.
We’re battling rigorously between student and the masters,
proving I’m the latter as I often seemed to do.
whilst beautifully capturing life from this scenic view.
Forgotten dreams of who I hoped I’d surpass,
with the sand softly seeping through my toes where I stand.
The moment I planted my feet I would descend
become openly anxious the deeper they could get.
From scheming my inventions as if I’m dreaming.
To seemingly relenting to that sinking feeling."

- ^^THIS was impressive af. Kept the metaphor going for 10 lines... not easy to pull off.

Great verse here, MMLP. We haven't battled yet, have we...? :P

Eviction:

Where are all these new guys coming from? lol. Aliases, I'm sure. But they all seem to be equally talented...

Eviction, this was dope my man. Cool connection to the topic and technically proficient. Loved the multi's and the story-telling aspects thrown in there at random intervals to keep the head of steam going. You seemed to weave in and out of the metaphorical approach and then back to the story... I liked it.

Piece felt a tad chunky though... almost a polar opposite of MMLP's in terms of line length. However, it still worked and read well. I said in my Lucipher Howlz review that his multi's kind of got in the way of his story, but I actually think you were able to maintain them well here and keep everything clear, concise and easy to follow. That's tough to do, so kudos on that.

I felt the beginning of your verse was much better than the end though. Like the attention to detail just sort of dwindled down a bit... not too much, but enough to notice.

Yeah, I mean... for the most part, this was good. Not much else to say. Let's get into my favorite parts.

Highlights:

"I know I’m going to die one day, I can already see the wheels in motion.
real emotion, that's locked up like a package, that was sealed and frozen.
Hiding behind the mask, haunted by the demon’s that are still approaching.
The veil was broken, even in this picture as a boy, I kneel when loathing."

- Damn good start. Technically sound.

"This mask keeps me from the real world, I’m not trying to avoid sickness.
I’m trying to lock myself away from the disaster, before I’m destroyed in it.
I know time is running out on the hourglass, I used to play in the same sand.
Dreams of being a pilot turned into a nightmare, when I saw that plane land.
I was just a kid living out a fantasy, I didn’t know about the pollution in the air.
Vapor leaving the population in despair, too young to offer a solution to repair."

- Great writing here.

UGHHH... another close ass battle. This is tough... Okay. MMLP had the edge in flow and creativity. Loved the italics shit, as mentioned. Eviction gets the nod for story telling aspects. Multi's were fairly even...

Man... I'm gonna go with the more creative approach I think. It was pretty even to me upon first read through and I loved both of your takes...but MMLP edged it out and did something different... He gets the nod here in a close one.

Great work, both of you. Really.

Vote - MMLP

11-14-2020, 03:03 PM	#6
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	MMLP: I always look forward to reading your pieces, man. And this is another one that didn't disappoint. There were layers to this verse that I really appreciated... the italics lines sprinkled throughout like breadcrumbs was really a unique thing to read. I loved how they connected too. Correct me if I'm wrong... but is MMLP growing up? lol. Just seems like a way more mature version than your GWL twist-type stuff you were doing back then. That said, another virus piece... ugh. Fits to the topic though, so not too mad about it this time. This was definitely a metaphor-heavy verse, and it took me a few reads to really unpack everything you were trying to say. But it was worth the effort, overall. At times I felt you towed the line between being too metaphorical at the expense of the story... but I think if people really look at what you're saying they will see the value. Flow was nice, easy to read. Actually, you could've lengthened your bars a bit and I wouldn't have been mad. You had some room for a little more detail. Some really cool multi's can be found in here too. I hope people really dive deep into this... It's worth it. Highlights: "Thoughts clouded with treachery to a kid which is stifled. As the boundless depression keeps on its vicious cycle, an ever spinning spiral of those desolate lonely nights A swift reprisal, being set on opposing sides" "In my sandpit of misery lie some nuclear reactors. We’re battling rigorously between student and the masters, proving I’m the latter as I often seemed to do. whilst beautifully capturing life from this scenic view. Forgotten dreams of who I hoped I’d surpass, with the sand softly seeping through my toes where I stand. The moment I planted my feet I would descend become openly anxious the deeper they could get. From scheming my inventions as if I’m dreaming. To seemingly relenting to that sinking feeling." - ^^THIS was impressive af. Kept the metaphor going for 10 lines... not easy to pull off. Great verse here, MMLP. We haven't battled yet, have we...? :P Eviction: Where are all these new guys coming from? lol. Aliases, I'm sure. But they all seem to be equally talented... Eviction, this was dope my man. Cool connection to the topic and technically proficient. Loved the multi's and the story-telling aspects thrown in there at random intervals to keep the head of steam going. You seemed to weave in and out of the metaphorical approach and then back to the story... I liked it. Piece felt a tad chunky though... almost a polar opposite of MMLP's in terms of line length. However, it still worked and read well. I said in my Lucipher Howlz review that his multi's kind of got in the way of his story, but I actually think you were able to maintain them well here and keep everything clear, concise and easy to follow. That's tough to do, so kudos on that. I felt the beginning of your verse was much better than the end though. Like the attention to detail just sort of dwindled down a bit... not too much, but enough to notice. Yeah, I mean... for the most part, this was good. Not much else to say. Let's get into my favorite parts. Highlights: "I know I’m going to die one day, I can already see the wheels in motion. real emotion, that's locked up like a package, that was sealed and frozen. Hiding behind the mask, haunted by the demon’s that are still approaching. The veil was broken, even in this picture as a boy, I kneel when loathing." - Damn good start. Technically sound. "This mask keeps me from the real world, I’m not trying to avoid sickness. I’m trying to lock myself away from the disaster, before I’m destroyed in it. I know time is running out on the hourglass, I used to play in the same sand. Dreams of being a pilot turned into a nightmare, when I saw that plane land. I was just a kid living out a fantasy, I didn’t know about the pollution in the air. Vapor leaving the population in despair, too young to offer a solution to repair." - Great writing here. UGHHH... another close ass battle. This is tough... Okay. MMLP had the edge in flow and creativity. Loved the italics shit, as mentioned. Eviction gets the nod for story telling aspects. Multi's were fairly even... Man... I'm gonna go with the more creative approach I think. It was pretty even to me upon first read through and I loved both of your takes...but MMLP edged it out and did something different... He gets the nod here in a close one. Great work, both of you. Really. Vote - MMLP __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..