Johnny 6 Feet:
This got better the more times I read it. On first read, I was looking for more meat, something to cling to and remember. But the more I read it, I realized it does have meat and some subtle high-level technique involved.
It's basically a poem, in a good way. Like a narrative poem. Sprinkled throughout are the hardships of the artist: trouble paying rent, a lost spouse, fear of abandonment.
On the technical side of things you're pretty sound. Some good internal rhymes.
Glad you ended with the pinoccio route because it made sense to go there.
Adverse:
Great imagery throughout.
(though in the opener I'm a little lost as to how bombs can paint a night sky with pride)
I was also lost as to why the girl is cutting herself. Confused me.
But there is so much imagery and detail packed into this piece I can forgive the confusion.
In the beginning parts you strung rhymes for multiple lines. Meaning, where Johnny went aa bb cc dd
you went aaaa bbbb ccc then moved towards couplets later on.
I mean I think it helped you? Just because of the extra flow of multiple rhymes.
But that's not the difference-maker.
That would be your descriptions and imagery.
Both of you had some good multi-syllable rhymes that I enjoyed. I'm not going to quote them all right now, but they're there.
I do think Adverse's extra length of the piece worked to his advantage.
So I feel like apologizing to Johnny, because he wrote a sound, technically solid piece, yet
I'm voting for Averse (even though I don't "get" it) because of his descriptive storytelling and imagery.
This really could go either way and as Universe (I think) said, Johnny keeps improving.
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