I’m of a similar opinion, the first bit is done masterfully honestly the imagery is soooo good I appreciated it a lot as you know it’s sort of my focus when writing.
Nicotine discoloured the curtains until our walls were marked
with sprawling darkness stained in a micro-layer of jaundiced tar.
The porcelain vase sat in the window hoping tomorrow’s arrived
a constant reminder of how hollow inside I was with my wife.
I’d cough in reply to her silent treatment with unhealthy disdain
through teeth as yellowed with age as the daffodils she seldom displayed.
Was my favorite bit
And like MMLP said the end got a little hazy but I think had you had ample space to expand on some of the details you would have I still liked it. And I liked the image of this couple fighting into the afterlife carrying the same vices as they did when they were alive. And loved the last two bars, in which you wrapped it up cool with the imagery of putting the cigarette out on the lover’s skull and then the ending like was a great way to wrap it up. This was A nice verse and probably would have garnered my vote if it went up for competition. Keep writing sir
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