I love that opener, really cool tone setting. The second line is straight storybook status, if that is something you came up with and not lifed from elsewhere that is a brilliant piece, Only New York streets could be both so crowded and desolate - absolutely dope.
Train finally produces itself was a little odd haha, I'm gettig weird images of an image extruding a new train in an embryonic sac or something haha, still, this is great storytelling and I am 100% on board to see where it goes. I'd probably have chosen something like "Finally, the train emerges behind the girders" or something similar, emerges feels much more natural, or appears, or turns or action words of some sort. Either way, really dope.
This was a cool twist on a verse, I didn't expect it haha, really great tone setting and storytelling throughout and I think you ended it with a deft hand, it was a bit of an unusual way to end but that means it was definitely unexpected haha, really nice work my friend.
I don't know what your opponent might have dropped but most likely this verse would be getting my vote if that is worth anything. Really nice writing.
If I were to point out an area for further improvement - I think the very very top top writers stray away from the focused end rhyme pattern and instead also pack the lines themselves with rhyme elements eg parts of multies to form dense inners all while still telling the story with perfect clarity. I would love to see you focus more on that, you definitely had elements of inners and other literary muscle but seeing it prominently displayed would be a really cool thing. Looking forward to more!
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