[Ullr]

Bladed Thesis:

I really like the feel of this opening, it sets a cool tone and strong imagery/sense of motion,
I think "echoed the shadows" was a little odd phrasing since echoes typically are strictly referring to sound, so shadows echoing is unusual for me. To illustrate,

if I were to say, "the shadows echoed" you'd most likely imagine some sort of sound echoing from within the shadows

so when the phrasing is as such:

{through the vehicle} + {echoed the shadows}

through the vehicle to me says "within the vehicle", "echoed" says a sound, a shadow is a visual element, so it just strikes me a bit confusing if you get my perspective.

However, if I suspend my normal interpretation I can imagine that it might mean shadows bouncing around the inside of the car which is a sensible image but it isn't the first thought when I read that line.

Either way, dope opening, but as I'm always in the business of providing feedback that helps us as writers grow I wanted to share that with you.

Solid rhyme scheme, primarily end rhyme but some inners, see her/ vehicle / spirit as an example, in addition to the obvious multi in /vehicle echoed the shadows/ + /spirit settled yet rattled/

Cool stuff. Once we get into the show her why / most alive / souls alight / moments fly section the longer multies are traded for shorter but more frequent rhymes, a cool change of pace and still doing a solid job storytelling.



auto / all slowed is a bit stretchy, it's not bad but it begs pointing out since at least in my barbaric American dialect I don't protract the pronunciation of auto - it'd rhyme with grotto/motto and be pronounced quickly, whereas there is a slight pause in all slowed eg. "ahhl--slow'd"// but that might be dialect/pronunciation but wanted to point that out



I really enjoyed that ending, it felt like you really hit your stride in the closer and it concluded nicely, I definitely dug this verse man. Solid stuff.

Now, onward to the next verse!



Objective:

A little odd with the two lines italicized before the [] parenthetical, almost seems like it wasn't meant to be part of the 'verse' but judging by the rhyme/feel it seems it was, just something odd worth pointing out.

Nicorette gum / indirect love was a cool rhyme, definitely hit well, cool opening, solid worldbuilding thus far - I'm interested to see how this connects to the "when they were five" planting the seeds of a beautiful tree thing, setup/resolution and all that

escape from / space wisdom is a bit stretchy for me, as I pointed out a rhyme in Bladed's verse, maybe it was my barbaric American dialect but it just rings odd for me, an enjambed extra syllable plus a bit of a mismatch in pace for the pronunciation of the words.

"escaping from" "space wisdom" would work better but still have a sliiight leading mismatch, still, this verse is interesting and has enough to keep me engaged.

I enjoyed this line - "Straight A's, nice face, being depressed is an irrelevant fact."

Okay so this second stanza I'm conflicted, on one hand I love the closer, the shade is dark, that was brilliant and really nice, conjured images at least in my imagining when opposing the made with a spark of the wood being fresh and new when it was carved, and the wood now being dark and weathered with age, blackened with time. Dooope.

I won't lie, the closer is a little anticlimactic as it felt like less of an effective payoff, I'm glad we did visit the tree and get resolution, a cool element including that and using it to represent their love, the heart with so and so + so and so, really cool element. Still, the closer just felt a little flat, perhaps it needed more drama, I'm not sure exactly how best to advise as doing so necessarily changes the story/tone but it was something I felt while reading so I wanted to share it with you.

In conclusion:

That said, a decision must be made. This was definitely a close battle, both had solid verses with little blemishes but overall both delivered in terms of consistent multies and storytelling but I think for me Bladed had the slight edge in this battle. I expect you might see votes in the other direction but for me I see Bladed winning this battle.

Actually, even moreso on re-reading Bladed's verse, I actually like the Vehicle Echoed the Shadows line which I originally harped on because knowing there is a mofo in the trunk makes me imagine the light bending and refracting in the darkness passing lights and such, I don't know, somehow the resolution on rereading makes that part feel better. Really cool.

At least for me, MVG: Bladed Thesis