[Sharp]

Damn, this is dark

I felt like you did a great job of pacing with line length. The way I read it is a shorter line isn't necessarily read faster, but feels like a complete idea that's gotten across faster... if I'm explaining that in non retarded way

I really fuck with the way it starts. Quick, to the point, flows perfectly. Leads into the longer lines for the meat of Act 1. You have me hooked and with enough info to follow the story you just set up. Later on, you have the same kind of pacing with

Reaches across with her right hand
To grab a knife from the night stand
Transfers it to her left in one action
Like she's ambidextrous but hasn't
Fuckin' realized she isn't, the ceilin' is spinnin'
Ella's feelin' weird, really different
She's clearly not with it, her doctor's in need of a visit
He always pray the outlook gets brighter
Even though it's the middle of winter


which I think was a dope way of building tension, leading into the third act. The 'text painting' or whatever the technique is called is so on point because of where you know it's heading. Here, I think the predictable story is your strength because I can appreciate how you're telling it really well. problem is for me

She's clearly not with it, her doctor's in need of a visit
He always pray the outlook gets brighter
Even though it's the middle of winter

is a metaphorical speed bump that kills the build up. so the finale is not so much of a dramatic moment because I stumble over way the syllables were added with 'her doctor's in need of a visit' and the grammatical error of 'he always pray'

From there, the end itself is predictable, which is fine, so I kind of need it to be mechanically on point - you know, so I'm not asking 'why do that?' 'did he mean to say that?' etc - and these lines feel awkward

Just like Ex does to bitches when he leaves 'em dead with a written
The only outcome achievable is where you end as the victim

Just doesn't feel like natural language so it kills the pacing for me. But overall I really fuck with the intro to the lead in to the end. You really killed it with the deliberate phrase lengths.