dead man-
A solid dead man verse. You have a unique and talented style. I don't always understand in entirety- your verses... but can always glean enough to get the jist. I see this verse as someone writing from the perspective of being "tired of religion"
our faith left only Ego. we disguise it as people
while our ever-after stories built us giant cathedrals.
then those all caught on fire. so now we're writing a sequel
Dope.
Technically sound verse, as we've come to expect. You pack a lot of rhymes in so I tend to notice when something doesn't rhyme in your verse, like
holy Father, the reticent. we pray to picket fences. and
speak in secret tongues through wooden grates for those disinterested
No matter how I bend it it just doesn't rhyme. But that's just me nitpicking. 1 non-rhyme won't really hurt the overall quality of the verse. I was also thrown off by the randomness of the white limosine in Georgia line. Don't really understand it, but again, I assure you I enjoyed this verse and Johnny will need something big to top it.
Johnny 6 feet
Where dead man's verse is complex, yours was a straightforward narrative. I'm not saying the details were simple, but the overall arch and strategy was a simple linear narrative. Throughout, I was interested to see what was coming next.
His behaviour became erratic; public dismissed it as eccentric
Especially since every psalm he spoke was bliss and electric
Dope. Good multi there and description of the beginning of his strange behavior and isolation.
Sombre slumber;
I like the alliteration phrase here.
With the ending you had a very literal connection to the assigned quote.
Nothing wrong with this verse. Told a good story. You just happened to run into a good dead man verse (despite my nitpicking), and based on style preference, he edges it here.
Johnny I hope you continue writing after the conclusion of this league. Will peep if you drop some OMs, or better yet see you in another tourney or league.
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