[Universe]

dead man:

Another thought provoking verse here. This piece had some really cool moments that made me do a double take - which is a common theme with a dead man verse. Your lines are so deep that it can be easy to overlook them. You never really tell stories, you sort of skim over the surface of the topic and just dissect it in a different manner. I'm always in awe with how you do that, but this one felt like it NEEDED an actual story to anchor it a little better. These broad strokes that you do, although masterful, have to be centered around a story of some sort. Some sort of character building... I think this topic screams for it. God/religion/science is way too vague to be just preached about - I want a story sometimes, not a dissection. I want a bible... (bullshit me) over scientific explanations. I think we all want to be lied to...

Technically this was amazing as always. Flow was outstanding. The way you effortlessly jump from rhyme scheme to rhyme scheme is impressive; You always make it look so easy. You know what you're getting with a dead man verse, technically, and you never disappoint.

Highlights:

"holy Father, the reticent. we pray to picket fences. and
speak in secret tongues through wooden grates for those disinterested"

- Nice. It's always greener on the other side, isn't it?

"look. we can't create a thing and neither did He
enlightenment crisis, a war of pious belief
riot in the streets sound like a sigh of relief
when wolves come knocking nightly all disguised as the sheep"

- riots sound like a sigh of relief was crazy.

"our faith left only Ego. we disguise it as people
while our ever-after stories built us giant cathedrals."

- Truth.

"explaining our extra. experimental schematic
label chemistry as alchemy and physics as magic
overdramatic. panic-stricken in a media culture
walk our dogmas off a cliff and feed em to the vultures"

- Walk our dogmas off a cliff... such a trip.

Love the ending too... Man, I can really see the levels you reached while breaking this verse down. It's just so damn good and laced with anti-religious sentiments done extremely well. It's clever as fuck from top to bottom, and although I wished it had some sort of story arch or characters, yout ability to rhyme in constant metaphors and imagery focused rhyme schemes need to be applauded. It's just reaches new depths every time I read this... I find new meaning. Or maybe I'm just making it up... like religion... We all see what we want to see. I see your skill shining through my man, ever brighter on every read through. It's like a pulsing lighthouse in the dark, and I'm slowly getting closer... I'll follow blindly because the light is just so damn hypnotic.

Bravo.


J6F:

Polar opposite approach here. I wanted more of a story from dead man - I got story in spades here from you. You definitely are the quintessential "storyteller", everything you write comes through with a clear narrative and I can tell that's your main focus going in. Let me create a story - here's where I want to go - I'll fix the technical stuff up later. I appreciate this approach. Your flow is always so buttery smooth and I always enjoy how you present your verses. This one seemed a bit simple to begin with though, some rather elementary elements scattered throughout; like "came a-calling" and "Hollywood came calling" were both fairly close to one another.

The story kind of reminds me of that movie Funny People at first - the comedian starting out that lands movie deals. Then it took a dark turn. I like how he became a hermit and, drowning in his own fame and hubris, killed himself to "kill God", for he had become Him. Interesting take. But I did feel that crucial details were missing to kind of establish this transition. I understand the line limit handcuffs you (this is why I always request more), but it sort of went to up and comer, to fame, to an idol that kills himself rather jarringly quickly, for me anyway. I love the overall message of how fame builds the ego though, how it consumes a person and makes them believe in their own hype to the point where they hurt themselves. This is a creative way to take this topic and it was appreciated. The ending was cool - loved the suicide note. I think one extra twist might've worked here as well... Like maybe the neighbor that found him actually killed him and made it look like suicide. Maybe he had been stalking him the entire time and the reader could have went back throughout your piece and seen little hints of a weird, vaguely familiar follower sprinkled throughout. Just something I thought of so thought I'd share the idea haha.

Technically this was good, great at points, but slacking in others. Sometimes your multi's were there and hitting on every cylinder, other times I saw opportunities missed to really connect everything a little better. But that's just the critical side of me coming out (which you know I HAVE in spades lol). But you told a cool story here man in clear and concise fashion, which is always tough to do in rhyme form.

Highlights:

"Bus tours were nationwide, without a single place to hide
The stage lights cast no shadow on the self hate inside"

- So real and vivid.

"No surprise, his depression was like his stand up; perfect
As the greatest kindness often comes from those who feel worthless"

- Truth. Loved this introspection.

"The box office was unlocked by this gifted Pandora
And Oscars gifted his halo as 'Best New Performer"

- Great flow, multi's and syllable count. I wish every bar was this tight.

"Here hangs a false idol, forgive me father, I have sinned
They praised a man, not a messiah, nothing divine within
I've thought this through; there's only one way I will win
To strike my own image down...

God is dead...

I killed him.'"

- Again, very cool ending. A true insight to this guy's narcissism and confusion. I felt like this is something a famous, rich hermit would write lol.

Good battle guys. We have dead man doing his thing, technically sound with crazy imagery and metaphors, but a lacking story/narrative with characters. And we have Johnny 6 telling a straightforward story in a creative, clear way and with amazing flow, but lacking technically at certain points. This was such a broad topic to tackle... God is open to such interpretation that this really could've been about anything. But you two picked the different ends of the spectrum and it was an interesting clash. I went back and forth about who I thought won several times... I prefer story over technical prowess 9 times out of 10... But this may be the 1 out of 10 times where it gets the nod for me. I'm just such a fan of dead man's pieces and his metaphor laced rants... they literally have layers that need to be peeled back to get to the essence of them. I'm a fan of Johnny's storytelling abilities as well, always have been since he came into the league. He has this way of speaking to the reader with a clarity that is rarely seen - His ideas and themes radiate off the screen. I love both of your guy's abilities and your creativity but I'm going with one of my favorite writer's on this site and any other, in a close one.

Vote - dead man