I can see her so vividly..
Your hair falls over your shoulders, tangled in braids of Autumn
Those eyes meet mine with wonderment, peek inside your soul when I gaze upon em
Your pale skin dotted with freckles, we lovingly call them angel kisses
You're my favorite image, I anticipate your often much too brief daily visits
Your familiar presence is just enough to stain reality's surface
Yet just out of reach, hidden beyond a great, white curtain
Seeing your illuminated phantom is honestly the easiest part
It's when the breeze carries you away my heart trembles like the leaves as you depart
You escape through my fingers nonchalantly, like falling grains of sand
I crack a grin, but my absent stare SCREAMS just how pained I am
Coaxed back to reality by all the voices of the present
I sit my grieving eyes on the shelf for a later date, it's daily evanescent
But for a few minutes a day, I sit and linger on your life of fallacy
Spotlighted by the dying evening light peaking through the blinds, a silent tragedy
My memory's so insistent that you NEVER existed
My mind screaming out "get a grip! Why waste so much energy on fiction?"
It's been years since I shed you, thought it'd ease up but the older that I get
I'm being crushed more each day by the boulders of regret that I'll probably shoulder till my death
Your faintest kiss is always a painful reminder that smolders on my flesh
Yet it's a chilling reminiscent that makes me colder in the same breath..
I try to distract myself from your ghast with these frivolous tasks
Day after day, scribbling sorrowful scripts with this pen and this pad
I've been drowning in your essence, thrashing in a sea with no escape
I've been flailing my arms, splashing in the blue hues of melancholia for so long…
….I was bound to paint a few masterpieces by mistake
….I hope you've found your way, no thanks to me
I always promised you'd be safe with me, vowed to treat you with sanctity
The world views me as saintly, echoes of praise "we're proud of you!"
But they don't see the shallow grave I buried my transgressions in just out of view
Fingers crossed that they never catch scent of the rot I carry from you
I've sewed sinful seeds my entire life, now I'm so ashamed of the crops that I grew
Though I hold a bottomless scroll that houses my regrets, you're first on the list
I labeled you a burden only because I lacked courage, you're a gift!
To have love and to have lost, not many can say both were their choice
Exiled from happiness, forced to walk in solitude in these colorless voids
Scrubbed my mistake from Earth's face instead of being a man who lived with it
Heart was so ardent towards you, yet my brain displayed ambivalence
I wonder if you still look at me as flawless? Or can you see the glaring chinks in my armor?
I was on the brink of salvation if I only I kept pushing onwards
Maybe I could have found faith, maybe I could have found somethin
Then my only glimpse of you wouldn't be in clouds of hazy afternoon "what if"s
I could do a million amazing things, but my legacy will forever be
My hands covered in your blood and all the words I never let you speak
Had you had the chance, you could've grown flowers in desolation
You could've made the sun shine bright, regardless of the weather
Had you had the chance, you could have changed the fucking world with your tremendous heart
But with every chance I had, I discredited you and tore the idea of you to tiny pieces
Until you were physically ripped apart…
Legs starting to burn from the last half a decade runnin and duckin
My Dad hung the stars in my night sky just so I could peel every one of them from yours, it's poetic injustice
I've walked down this road a million times this old beaten down path
Thinking of inhaling spring air and walking you to your kindergarten class
I've picked my brain apart thousands of times just trying to find rational sense
Of why I would take something so delicate, fragile and smash it to bits
Who could take such a lovely scene and make it so tragic?
The same thing that brought me such glee is now the reason for my unhappiness
You're the phantom of my own flesh and blood who haunts me relentlessly
And I'm the creature that won't let you rest in peace, resurrection through memories
And although my biggest regret is not holding on, I guess it's time to let you go
You're in heaven with the angels, leave earth to the monsters and the horrid
The beasts that I roam with, sending a kite to the daughter I had aborted...
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