Red, really really enjoyed the verse. A solid, vivid, and very visual introduction to the verse and character, first mention of the marathon metaphor, then the climax portion of the verse, my favourite section:
"The village consoled our family, at an altitude that distorted the sobs.
Hawks crying over the chorus of psalms
Dr. Fu Zhan knew of a healing method, that yesterdays world had forgotten -
forgot...
Medical magic, with a doctrine from God
No diagnostic.
No wand..
No cancerous tumor in the bloody-clutch of sterile operative tongs.
He performs his ultrasound - listening to the body for the throbbing - the clog;
Then pokes a hole in the skin like Halloween, sheets, ghosts, goblins and RAAGhH!
The shock, of the electrical impulse causes the meter-to-teeter-totter-and-wobb
Overwhelmed with such stimulus, her lungs fumigate, with toxic smog,
Exhaling cancer, dragon breath chars the logs....."
Imagery in this section was next level. Describing acupuncture in the fearful way a first time patient may perceive it to be. The bolded part was probably my favourite part of the verse. Hit hard. Solid closer, nice verse.
Zygote. I found this to be very interesting. If there is a documentary that inspired this particular piece, perhaps you could PM it to me promptly for my viewing pleasure. I felt you took a more storytelling approach of informative presentation, especially in terms of rhyme scheme which was regularly placed second to precise wording. It gives the piece of a very intelligent tone, however sacrifices the potential benefits an intricately smooth read can offer. After the read I was entertained and genuinely intrigued by the subject matter, especially having read space articles recently about antimatter (although I don't remember much about them). Although I really enjoyed the verse, looking back, no part in particular stands out being memorable, and I feel was not exactly an accurate display of all the components of your writing ability.
Going to go with Red with his more rounded display of writing abilities, Zygote had an enjoyable and informative verse with interesting subject matter but would be better suited for an OM drop imo. Both had terrific conceptual directions from the topic and both were enjoyable reads.
+1 Red Glare
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