[Universe]

symetrik:

Cool little tale about a crew out at sea and being attacked by a kraken. But I think you learned way too heavily on rhyme schemes and multi's here - and it effected your story. Technically this was pretty good man, but last week you focused more on storytelling and it was a promising start. This week you are definitely technically sound but you lost something in the translation... heart. This seemed more cold and stagnant - where as if you would've brought the heart and pure storytelling ability from last week and put it into this cool tale of a shipwreck... it could've been great. As is though, I felt this was a little bit of a stumble in comparison... But not without it's high points. I'm torn with this one, I really am.

Highlights:

"frantically grabbing at vanishing shoes,
mannequins lacking their muscle and meat,
of battling past a panicking crew,
beneath a black mass of kraken-ish teeth,"

- This was on point flow and multi wise. Probably my favorite bar.

"then quietly breathe. leviathan squeeze
hope, flickering scene to collapse to.
choking on mast-wood, and splintering beams
seized Icarus, a tragedy past-due."

So... I liked this, symetrik. Just wish you focused a little more on the storytelling abilities you displayed last week. If you would've combined that with this more technical approach - forget about it. But still a solid effort here.

Btw, I don't ever want to see the word "beseech" again after this lol.


Inno:

Damn. You completely got rid of your usual style for this one and became a buttoned down member of our society lol - I loved it. I enjoy your poetic style but it's always a little bit of a strain to read, but this was straight forward and to the point and quite frankly, beautiful. Being a new father myself, I completely related to this and it tugged at my heartstrings. This may be my favorite verse from you yet my man. Only thing is, I kind of struggled to relate this to your topic. It seemed loosely connected, but you really had to draw some metaphorical conclusions to do it. Which, I suppose, in retrospect is the point lol. Fatherhood - Uncharted waters. I get it. Ignore me haha.

Highlights:

"With a tiny grip you hold my soul with little resistance
Something so small is now the biggest part of my existence
A future for me to mold but I fear I am not worthy of this gift
When just 9 months ago I was in disbelief and thought it was myth"

- This hit home for me.

"Trade in beer pong and parties, loose woman in thongs
To car seats and minivans, picking out my favorite soccer mom
No more staying out late with the guys for drinks and cigars
Instead I’ll be home hung over from cartoons and toy cars"

Nice little touch on the ending as well.

This was a good battle but I was really feeling and relating to one verse more than the other, so...

Vote - Inno

symetrik has a ton of potential but he ran into a roadblock here and couldn't get through. Thanks for the read you two.