Johnny
So this was a bit similar to what I wrote a couple weeks ago about addictions. Atleast that’s what I’m getting. Except your character is an alcoholic? At first I thought you was writing about hunter s Thompson if I’m being honest lol. So I like the idea of breaking down the writing into hours to help the reader get into the process of withdrawals. It’s good tactic but I feel like it didn’t allow the story to progress as smoothly as it should of. It was a dope take on beating addiction. Your wording was spot on and for the most part the story held together nicely. I think my only gripe with this piece is the pacing. It felt jolted and disconnecting at times. Ending was cool but I wish you would spent more time on it instead of just one line. Good stuff Johnny.
Ad
Ok so I’m a little confused about the ending tbh. I’ll get to that. Anyway this was cool piece ad you took a chance by taking the picture literally and describing it into your story. You pulled it off well tbh. You managed to squeeze in referenceS of the picture from start to finish and never in bunches so it felt natural and not forced. Your wording was spot on as well. But yo if I’m being completely honest. I just don’t get the ending. It’s the first mention of her dying? Going through cancer?Surviving a crash is what I’m assuming. I guess what I’m noticing is you mention her in the hospital bed in the beginning and go straight into making the picture into the story, never mentioning again her at the hospital until the end. For that took away a big from the impact of that twist moment in the story. Good stuff
Overall
It’s a close one and like art said this is going to be decided by preference. Each person took a unique road to the topic. Both showed talent for story telling and both had the diction going strong. I think johnnys story although the flow of the story wasn’t that great it weirdly progressed smoothly if that makes sense. While ads ending was a bit boring, the rest of his verse was engaging lol. It’s a tough one but I’m going with Johnny on this one. I thought his break down by hour was dope. It made me picture in my head the progression of the day as this man struggled with addiction. So that made me relate more to his piece. Dope battle guys
6
|