[Artifice]

damn, I really enjoyed both reads, this is going to be a difficult decision.

Let's start with Johnny...

The alarm beeps a 'fuck you' and I wake up groaning, pitiful
Lead weights slide inside my head, another morning ritual
The room's a bomb site, scattered clothes, trash, a bucket for vomit
At the side table a half-empty glass, but fuck it, I want it

that was a solid opening, in the first four lines I was able to see where you were gonna take the topic (not necessarily how it would all unfold, but the general direction) and you did it in a way that made me as a reader comfortable.

I thought the use of a/b/a/b rhyme scheme at certain parts was well executed, you don't see guys do that as much anymore, but I enjoyed it. It caught me off guard for a moment because I'm not used to seeing it, but once I noticed that's where you were going I dug it.

I also thought that the way you broke the piece down into time-stamped segments, to help aid the reader in understanding the changes throughout the struggle. It was a nice touch and well executed.

the porcelain/draws me in is an off-rhyme to North American readers, but I know you're from the UK so I know it's a pronunciation difference and it rhymes just fine when you say it. That's one of the things that can be tough about reading text. Inflections and accents can really change the way a piece reads, and if someone doesn't understand the way the writer speaks, it can hinder their judgement of the piece.

The bits of inner dialogue sprinkled in the piece were also well done, helping us understand the mind-state of the character, while the rest of the verse painted the scene for us.

The closer was dope, tied into the piece really well and I've always been a fan of ending pieces this way (the final line really representing the image). I also thought it was cool how throughout the piece time feels like it's dragging on, but once he's gotten through it, on reflection it didn't seem like an eternity at all.

Overall, thoroughly enjoyed.


Adverse...

Fuck, you had to make this decision especially difficult by dropping a dope piece too? Thanks a lot.

Your style is with longer lines, which can be difficult to pull off effectively and still keep a good sense of rhythm (i'm old-school and still try to read a verse to an instrumental if i can, longer line pieces can be difficult to do that with).
However, your use of inner/internal rhymes really helps keep the flow and pace of the piece on point. A couple of examples...

She made ease of it slithering her slender body through the rocky crevices
Her skin a canvas for the maroons of wounds and bruised violets as she finally exited

She shut her eyes and heard its lie “go ahead and rest child, you’re safe”
But as she pried open her blue iris, she saw a sight that looked like she dreamt wide awake

although the inner rhyme is a single syllable, the fact that it connects with the multi on the end makes for a smooth read.

I thought you did a great job taking the feel of the picture, and not only incorporating the imagery in your work, but actually building on it's imaginative feel with this landscape you developed. Had a real fantasy-feel to it, which I not only dug, but surprisingly as I'm not big into fantasy. Your word choice was also really good at painting the picture, you used descriptive words that conjured up the environment in the mind of the reader.

I also liked how you twisted it at the end, with her waking up and the doctor's tagline... like I said with Johnny's, I like verses that end with a line directly relating to the image.


Alright, this is easily BOTW (not that there were many battles, but I think it might've been regardless). I can see it going either way tbh, depending on the reader's preference. I gotta give the slightest edge to Adverse because I thought his rhyming patterns were a little more complex, and his twist at the end got me (i didn't see it going there). However, he gets my vote in 51/49 decision, so I can see this one coming down to the wire. Awesome drops by both, and thanks guys for showing when things are coming apart at the seams.

v/ Adverse (by a hair)