I don't know if my votes are valid here but either way, consider this an opinion on your efforts. I went by 'Mahtama' 15-20 years ago and wrote a lot of topical material since then so I'm pretty familiar. As far as exceeding the line count, that is quite a big verse you have there Ender, nevertheless..
Johnny 6 feet - I liked to the concept and the development of the narrative, however, the rhymes felt forced and pace/rhythm of the bars somewhat awkward. I see a lot of signs of a good grasp of story-telling and experimenting with flow/structure/cadence but things like the ''tame, lame!'' broke the fluidity without adding anything in terms of meaning. Overall the piece went okay but could be edited and improved upon with attention to some of the details mentioned.
Ender - despite the huge excess of lines you didn't use them to your advantage, instead, your verse could've been written much shorter and conveyed the same message and vastly increased its potency. Your word choice was very basic and limited to a highly limited vocabulary - this cost you in terms of delivering something with its own unique flavour and is something you'll hopefully take note of going forward. Nevertheless, you did still create an ominous feeling in-lieu of better descriptors and you had some direction to the piece which maintained some interest. Still, the ending was lack-lustre and fell-flat - I was hoping for something more.
So, even with Ender's lengthier verse, Johnny 6 feet took this convincingly, in my opinion. I appreciated reading this as my first since returning to such a medium and hope you both go forward writing and sharing more. All the best.
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