Netcees - View Single Post - WEEK: Contenders: dead man vs Clutbuck CLOSED TBA

Universe · 05-17-2020, 10:41 PM

BOTW - hands down. Read both verses 4 times.

Clutbuck - More of the same from last week.. you are hitting on all cylinders right now and it's a beautiful thing to see you focused like this. I have never seen you at this level before and I'm loving it. I may not respect you as a person but I'm respecting your writing right now. That said, there are still some lingering issues that I wish you'd switch up but nothing too crazy. This was a terrific showing and I'll post some random thoughts below as I re-read.

Lars taking the perspective of a worm for this one... (insert joke here).. it was well done but I can't ever escape your corniness man. Like Sargent Slimeball... I mean, really? Twisted Twizzlers... all that shit needs to go. I truly wish you tackled a topic without these little quips and just got DARK and serious... if you went that route, I think a combination of that with your technically proficient style and superb flow would make a flammable combination that would be tough to beat.

You had some killer lines in here... and when you connected, the metaphorical weight was seismic in scope, in the way it shakes everything down to its core and really becomes a brilliant double entendre.

"It invites the inhuman drones to shake off their slumber*
and wake from the underground next to their neighbouring number.
The illuminated incumbents ascend from the rubble
extending their supple limbs toward the light at the end of the tunnel.
There’s a sedentary shuffle as the night pulls closer
before their eyes bulge open in a lightbulb moment!"

More of this please ^^. Dope as fuck.

Also... The "five hearts" line was cool to me because yes, worms have five hearts but also in our topic last week there was five hearts attached to the 'evil plant' in the picture. This probably wasn't intended as a crossover but I immediately made the connection because I counted the hearts last week lol. If you would've alluded to this I would've marked the fuck out. I wish you had.

Loved how you wrapped this all up too. That final line was perfect. It kind of poked fun at your entire concept yet made it relevant through the metaphor in which you told it in lol... so good.

Bravo, Lars.

dead man - The beginning of this piece was absolute fire... Some of the best bars I've seen from you so far in this league. There was literally no downside and each line - each SYLLABLE - was bang on.

"bloodletter scalpel the carnage. flesh break intestinal trauma
membranous monsters. tearing through our layers, wretched lasagna
terminal promise. caskets and roses. finger-snap and a moment
magma molten. fever sweat, night terrors, rapid mitosis"

Shit. Like c'mon... that was fucking insane.

"mother nature, pull the trigger, sing my zombies awake
jaundice and anxious. paper yellow skin a mountain of flakes
sloughing often. sputum nostril, dormant body decay
hospital gravesite. porous wormhole taking holiday pay"

This is such a well done piece technically, like its unmatched in that respect. But I think you also have a tendency to skim over the surface of your topics when you do this, and dont really go in, in terms of plot and characters etc. And you didn't quite end this verse with the same veracity and strength technically, but given the absolute perfection of the first half I'd say it still held its own overall. This was a super impressive piece, one of my favs from you thus far...

Upon another re-read, I really liked how you ended it... kind of cementing what you were going for - as in the zombies were the dormant cancer cells in the body that awakened... I thought that was genius, and something I didnt really catch for the better part of the piece... but all the hints were there. You did a good job nailing the point home at the end without being too on the nose about it.

Honestly I had Clutbuck winning this after first read, but I didnt really fully grasp dead man's concept at that point... If it came down to a personality contest we all know who would win lol... but this is about the verses... but does that even change the result in the end? Hmm. I'm still unsure. It was so damn close. Okay... I feel one hit maybe one foot deeper in terms of a unique story and overall depth, technically. But let's break it down.

These are some of the categories which I look for:

Story - dead man (Clut's corniness is what cost him here;; dm's Zombie approach was super unique)
Best Lines - dead man
Flow - Clutbuck (close but dm's was more of a constant stop and go approach while Clut's was smooth throughout)
Word choices - dead man
Multi's - Clutbuck
Rhyme Schemes - Tie
Presentation - Clutbuck
Lasting Impression - dead man

So I have it 4-3 dead man with a tie thrown in there... Lasting Impression is just what it says, what piece will stick with me when I think back on this battle? Will it be Clut's brilliant worm metaphor or dead man's equally genius flip of the zombie concept - labeling them cancerous cells in the body?

I know which one I will remember more...

Vote - dead man

Awesome job, gentlemen.

05-17-2020, 10:41 PM	#6
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	BOTW - hands down. Read both verses 4 times. Clutbuck - More of the same from last week.. you are hitting on all cylinders right now and it's a beautiful thing to see you focused like this. I have never seen you at this level before and I'm loving it. I may not respect you as a person but I'm respecting your writing right now. That said, there are still some lingering issues that I wish you'd switch up but nothing too crazy. This was a terrific showing and I'll post some random thoughts below as I re-read. Lars taking the perspective of a worm for this one... (insert joke here).. it was well done but I can't ever escape your corniness man. Like Sargent Slimeball... I mean, really? Twisted Twizzlers... all that shit needs to go. I truly wish you tackled a topic without these little quips and just got DARK and serious... if you went that route, I think a combination of that with your technically proficient style and superb flow would make a flammable combination that would be tough to beat. You had some killer lines in here... and when you connected, the metaphorical weight was seismic in scope, in the way it shakes everything down to its core and really becomes a brilliant double entendre. "It invites the inhuman drones to shake off their slumber* and wake from the underground next to their neighbouring number. The illuminated incumbents ascend from the rubble extending their supple limbs toward the light at the end of the tunnel. There’s a sedentary shuffle as the night pulls closer before their eyes bulge open in a lightbulb moment!" More of this please ^^. Dope as fuck. Also... The "five hearts" line was cool to me because yes, worms have five hearts but also in our topic last week there was five hearts attached to the 'evil plant' in the picture. This probably wasn't intended as a crossover but I immediately made the connection because I counted the hearts last week lol. If you would've alluded to this I would've marked the fuck out. I wish you had. Loved how you wrapped this all up too. That final line was perfect. It kind of poked fun at your entire concept yet made it relevant through the metaphor in which you told it in lol... so good. Bravo, Lars. dead man - The beginning of this piece was absolute fire... Some of the best bars I've seen from you so far in this league. There was literally no downside and each line - each SYLLABLE - was bang on. "bloodletter scalpel the carnage. flesh break intestinal trauma membranous monsters. tearing through our layers, wretched lasagna terminal promise. caskets and roses. finger-snap and a moment magma molten. fever sweat, night terrors, rapid mitosis" Shit. Like c'mon... that was fucking insane. "mother nature, pull the trigger, sing my zombies awake jaundice and anxious. paper yellow skin a mountain of flakes sloughing often. sputum nostril, dormant body decay hospital gravesite. porous wormhole taking holiday pay" This is such a well done piece technically, like its unmatched in that respect. But I think you also have a tendency to skim over the surface of your topics when you do this, and dont really go in, in terms of plot and characters etc. And you didn't quite end this verse with the same veracity and strength technically, but given the absolute perfection of the first half I'd say it still held its own overall. This was a super impressive piece, one of my favs from you thus far... Upon another re-read, I really liked how you ended it... kind of cementing what you were going for - as in the zombies were the dormant cancer cells in the body that awakened... I thought that was genius, and something I didnt really catch for the better part of the piece... but all the hints were there. You did a good job nailing the point home at the end without being too on the nose about it. Honestly I had Clutbuck winning this after first read, but I didnt really fully grasp dead man's concept at that point... If it came down to a personality contest we all know who would win lol... but this is about the verses... but does that even change the result in the end? Hmm. I'm still unsure. It was so damn close. Okay... I feel one hit maybe one foot deeper in terms of a unique story and overall depth, technically. But let's break it down. These are some of the categories which I look for: Story - dead man (Clut's corniness is what cost him here;; dm's Zombie approach was super unique) Best Lines - dead man Flow - Clutbuck (close but dm's was more of a constant stop and go approach while Clut's was smooth throughout) Word choices - dead man Multi's - Clutbuck Rhyme Schemes - Tie Presentation - Clutbuck Lasting Impression - dead man So I have it 4-3 dead man with a tie thrown in there... Lasting Impression is just what it says, what piece will stick with me when I think back on this battle? Will it be Clut's brilliant worm metaphor or dead man's equally genius flip of the zombie concept - labeling them cancerous cells in the body? I know which one I will remember more... Vote - dead man Awesome job, gentlemen. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..