[PancakeBrah]

Vulgar - CLASSIC VULGAR. It was Dr. Nerumberg in the Capitalist Foyer with a bottle of dayglo.

Parts of this were really good, parts of this were not as really good. The dialogue was the best sustained portion. I liked these;

“Mr. Gouth, would you like some pomegranate tea?” Minca asked her father’s partner
The table was made of rosewood,silver tray for beverages.
She’d picked it out. She was her father’s daughter.

“I went out there in the Congolese country when I was a child. I know the ropes.
I’ve seen the financial side of it and understand international trade up-close.”
Mr. Gouth smiled, relieved. “Anton did tell me you were a sleuth at math
But I can help you develop your managerial abilities too. Now, to get to the root of that…

Blood and sweat mixed with lithium dust had a certain balm, a taste, an odor…

I liked your approach to the topic. You don't focus on the woman in the photo, Minca in this case, until about the 2/3 mark. The photo describes her just as well as the she, in the verse, describes the photo;

The negotiation tables are usually within wealthy residences where we try and sell
Some deals go smoothly, and some can be cutthroat. I want you to be aware of this”
Minca looked into his eyes.
“I’ll be fine, sir. I hope that doesn't make me sound arrogant.”

Instead of simply writing about the photo you let the photo inform your verse and add context to it, which is clever and not the usual tact in these things.

You've always been great at focusing on the content before the rhyme, probably one of my favorites at that aspect of this hobby. Usually when I read Open Mics or topicals I grade how well the writer contorts, or hides the contortion, a line to hit an impressive scheme or fresh multi. In this piece, the rhymes are a secondary, perfunctory aspect. Some were okay, but that doesn't really matter. I thought a couple lines in the first third were a bit dry, expository, and awkward; only hitch in the whole thing. Enjoyed reading this.



Adverse- CLASSIC ADVERSE. Not really, this is the first time I've read a piece of yours. Hyper literal take on the topic, the photo/painting is a photo/painting, with a psychological horror bent. I appreciated the allusory title. Felt that this was the strongest portion of the piece;

I take a deep breath and submerge my lips in the sea of this black, pungent tea
Used to count the days that passed, the walls ran out of room at forty six hundred weeks
Every day I wake up and follow the same pattern, a prisoner of this redundancy
Until i wind up sitting in this same seat as always, is that destiny’s doing?
The others in attendance are but skeletons...i look down at my peach hands, I guess that I’m human
The only thing misplaced here is the makeshift window in front of the table, sawed mid-wall to the floor
It’s a portal to another dimension, where I marvel at the marble decor

In particular, sawed mid-wall to the floor, I guess that I'm human, and hundred weeks ideas. Well described with good rhyming. This was good as well, and encapsulated the whole piece into one line;

Yes the painter ...so focused on alleviating his tortured soul, he never realized he created one

I think you had some lines that hinted at a more interesting exploration of your topic. The hyper literal approach can allow for some meta twists and ideas but this was sort of a straight putt.

They call me “gothic” “dark” “a masterpiece!” They praise my creator’s brush

At the people’s beck and call for criticism, I only wish I could rest my head and sleep

Those are good one off lines that speaks to art criticism while your main protagonist is literally art, which is cool to me. As it is, though, the majority of the verse is descriptive (good descriptive) focusing on the psychological horror of what it'd be like to be trapped as a painting, basically. I think you could have done that in a shorter amount of line time, then explored these meta concepts and taken on grander ideas, using your approach as the springboard. I don't like to Monday morning quarterback other writers' verses too much but the piece hints at these ideas so I think it's fair game.

On a technical level everything was pretty solid throughout. One or two hiccups (glass pane / ash and flame messes me up) but nothing worth downgrading the verse for.

Just as an aside I read your Week 7 verse before finishing this vote, just to provide some context. That was a great verse.




Really enjoyable match-up. While Adverse was more technically proficient, I enjoyed Vulgar's approach and writing a touch more. Thanks guys.

Vulgar