Good evening, gents! I always try to take a look at the image topic first and think about how I would approach it! This is an interesting one to me, I imagine the guy where his life was a mess - him unable to see a way out - searching for something he couldn’t find until one day he grasped at a thread that offered him a way out. He stayed on the same path, albeit a highly strung one, and slowly but surely begins to climb his way out, leaving the past behind him in an “It’s not where you’re from, but where you’re going,” that matters type of theme. Let’s see how you guys interpreted it...
Johnny - I was a big fan of your scene setting and wording from the jump, you did a good job of placing the reader directly where you wanted them to be in that opening line with the heart monitor for an alarm. There were a few instances where you mismatched the syllables of the multies, it’s not such a big deal here for me personally as they’re a relatively simple fix to put right and didn’t distract from the enjoyability of your verse. The rhyme pattern switch up in the last four lines of that first stanza was interesting too, I don’t see too many people do that, but it was a risk that I think you pulled off well and heightened the creativity for me from a technical perspective.
This line was a standout for me personally as a great tie-in between the topic and your central lead character:
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Lion tamer's whips strip ribbons of pain down my face
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The use of the lion tamers whip along with the “strip ribbons” was a deft touch, but a great choice of words, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed - kudos on that one.
The recurring couplet you introduced was another nice idea, again altering subtly as it’s reintroduced and it taking on a new meaning as we draw to a close.
I agree with Vulgar in terms of it evoking a dream-like feel, it was almost as if he was slipping in and out consciousness as we get to those sections, I’m not sure if that was intentional or not but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say it was. Good job!
Artifice - I think your “title” for this piece is dope first off haha! I don’t know if anyone else caught that. Very clever. The writing is crisp, the shorter lined flow and technical ability with the multies etc is very much to my preference actually as I do it also. You’ve a knack for shorter lines which again is to my liking, and I’m from a text battle background so I also appreciate the punchline aspect you bring to the table that a lot of topical heads are missing. Sometimes simplicity is key and lines like this one really amplify that:
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two steps forward, but one step back into madness
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I found the verse quite comedic, actually, the further it went on - I noticed no one else mentioned that but maybe I just have a dry (pun always intended!) sense of humour. This one in particular got me:
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my spirits down but it gets up with a lift of glasses
& I'm only looking for proof if it can be lit with matches
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LOL!
The Lime mention almost had me as well, I’m now convinced you wrote this after a couple bottles of Budweiser. I could be wrong, of course, but that’s what I gleaned from it. “Art” (quote literally) imitating life type shit with you being drunk come the due date. I don’t think it’s so much style and substance as boiling down to simply who entertained me more this particular week. For me, personally, that was Artifice here.
Artifice gets my vote in a slobberknocker!