Johnny 6 Feet - Interesting stuff here man. Your presentation sort of reminds me of our current champ Scar's - with the centering and breaking up of the verse etc.. I loved the "mottled, mainly black" repeated theme, almost a chorus in a topical verse, and it connected it all throughout... reminding us this character is close to death. You built a good world here man, I could envision it and was drawn right in. I felt you took the topic a LITTLE too literal though, like it was literally about a tight rope walking circus performer lol, but it still worked.
Loved this part:
"I try to lift a finger, but they're strongman's weights
Lion tamer's whips strip ribbons of pain down my face
And my head's a clown car, jam packed with broken glass
Can't even inhale my tongue so I can choke my last"
Great first week showing overall.
Artifice - Very cool little piece here. Sort of a glimpse inside the mind of addiction and all.the struggles that come with it. Straightforward and to the point, this was all substance (excuse the pun) over style. The story itself didn't quite draw me in as much as Johnny's though, but technically this is on a level above his, especially with gems like this being dropped:
"just the thought of me trying has me tied up in knots
wanting to curl up into a ball & hide in one spot
but the trajectory for if i didn't stop
is grave... not being graphic, it's just the size of the plot"
This is a TOUGH battle to choose a winner in. Credit to both of you for coming out the door swinging in this league. We basically have a battle of style vs. substance and I predict you guys are going to get a lot of back and forth voting. But I'll start it off and lean toward the verse I thought spoke to me the most...
Vote - Johnny 6 Feet
Artifice, I loved your verse man but it just came down to the fact that I feel more story driven today lol. Razor close but I got to pick somebody.
Great job guys.
__________________
..Passed the Present and Future..
|