Scar
Your writing reminds me a little of SacriFICE from back in the day. He also had an effortless flow. I like the aesthetics of your work. It is always beautifully presented. And I also enjoy more obscure pieces sometimes, although it can be a balancing act, because if it is too obscure I just lose interest. So I read the piece as a look inside the mind of a writer as he tries to decide what to write about. So the man walking down the streets is actually you (or Colter Fulton) walking down the streets of your own thoughts and imagination. This is why there were the two meeting streets of 'Colter' and 'Fulton', which is also the name of your main character. And continuing to 'Thoughts Unspoken' is another hint that we are inside the mind of the writer, Colter Fulton (you). And as you journey through your mind you find reminders of stories you have read and stories you have written from previous weeks. And all the time the story is just begging to be written 'into existence'. Then waking up from a journey through your own minds eye, you write the story of that journey, ending the story with the same line you started it with. I don't know if that's what you intended, but that's how I took the piece.
The only nitpick I have is that I wish you had trusted your readers more. I didn't love the links in the work. As soon as I read about Virginia's 'Room of One's Own' I knew exactly what you were referencing, which was before I had noticed the links. The links cheapened it a little for me. I think you should take the risk that it might go overlooked and not hold the reader's hand too much. I inserted a secret message in my piece this week for example, and nobody saw it, but I would prefer that to highlighting it.
Sorry about that, just made this about me for a second.
Anyway, I liked this piece quite a bit other than that.
Universe
First of all, before I start reading, I would encourage you to use paragraphs/stanzas or something to break up the text a little. Maybe it is just me, but sometimes I find a wall of text difficult to read. Having said that, I think I did a wall of text myself this week, so aren't I a hypocrite! Hey look at that, I made it all about me again. Moving on.
First of all, this was a truly depressing read. I understand that that was the vibe you were going for. A disturbing and depressing read. That kind of thing can work. Two of my favourite written works are '1984' and 'Flowers for Algernon', both of which depress the hell out of me every time I read them. So that isn't bad in and of itself. But child abuse hits a nerve for me, so the piece was always going to have to be near-perfect for me to enjoy it.
It was technically well-written. I would have liked to have a little more development of the characters (I know how hard this is in the line limit). But I think the main issue for me was your framing device. Since the main part of the story was a recollection under hypnosis, it robbed the story of immediate impact and stakes, because I know the events being told have already been resolved, one way or another. And I know the narrator will be fine. I think I would have enjoyed the story more with the framing device removed.
I think the story was good, you don't really ever write poor stories Universe, but the combination of the subject matter and the framing device meant I didn't connect with it as much as I would have liked to. Still a solid piece though.
For me I connected with Scar's piece more this week and I think his writing mechanics were a little stronger here.
Vote - Scar
|