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Universe · 04-25-2020, 07:23 AM

Pharaohs Army - I mean, you started out okay. "A stick without a carrot" line was cool. But then you went to your one word bars that you do and that style never has really worked for me (just a personal opinion)... Although, as Bodey mentioned, given how it's a SLOTH topic this may be some semi-clever meta shit about how you were too lazy to actually write complete bars lol... But I doubt it. (If you alluded to that concept near the end I would've loved it) Props for the "Se7en' movie reference though.. (was wondering who would do that first). Overall, I would've liked to see more of an effort from you here. In the coming weeks, maybe just take more time before you drop your verse, solidify everything... make it epic. I want to see what a focused PA can do.

MMLP - The age old God vs. the Devil battle... but with a twist. Not your typical MMLP twist though... so this was actually nice to see. I read it expecting some revelation at the end, and I got it... it just wasn't what I was expecting from you... which is perfect and the point of a twist I guess lol. Anyway, I thought your flow was spot on and this read very well... everything seemed tightened up this week. There were a few instances however, where I said "wait... did that even rhyme?" And then I re-read it out loud and I could see how it did... sort of. (Ended the war/perish the thought.... bit of a stretch) In the future, I would just dumb down your word choices so they connect and just add some more multi's etc. About the ending, I gotta say, I loved how you blamed God for being a Sloth, and his laziness created Satan aka his greatest enemy... which basically makes Hinself his own greatest enemy. Satan has become the personification of his regret at being lazy.. He represents God's greatest mistake and it's one that will haunt Him for eternity... Moral of the story; complacency always comes back up to bite us, doesn't it? I wanted something different from you this week Marshall Mathers LP, and I got it, good work.

Vote - MMLP

04-25-2020, 07:23 AM	#8
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	Pharaohs Army - I mean, you started out okay. "A stick without a carrot" line was cool. But then you went to your one word bars that you do and that style never has really worked for me (just a personal opinion)... Although, as Bodey mentioned, given how it's a SLOTH topic this may be some semi-clever meta shit about how you were too lazy to actually write complete bars lol... But I doubt it. (If you alluded to that concept near the end I would've loved it) Props for the "Se7en' movie reference though.. (was wondering who would do that first). Overall, I would've liked to see more of an effort from you here. In the coming weeks, maybe just take more time before you drop your verse, solidify everything... make it epic. I want to see what a focused PA can do. MMLP - The age old God vs. the Devil battle... but with a twist. Not your typical MMLP twist though... so this was actually nice to see. I read it expecting some revelation at the end, and I got it... it just wasn't what I was expecting from you... which is perfect and the point of a twist I guess lol. Anyway, I thought your flow was spot on and this read very well... everything seemed tightened up this week. There were a few instances however, where I said "wait... did that even rhyme?" And then I re-read it out loud and I could see how it did... sort of. (Ended the war/perish the thought.... bit of a stretch) In the future, I would just dumb down your word choices so they connect and just add some more multi's etc. About the ending, I gotta say, I loved how you blamed God for being a Sloth, and his laziness created Satan aka his greatest enemy... which basically makes Hinself his own greatest enemy. Satan has become the personification of his regret at being lazy.. He represents God's greatest mistake and it's one that will haunt Him for eternity... Moral of the story; complacency always comes back up to bite us, doesn't it? I wanted something different from you this week Marshall Mathers LP, and I got it, good work. Vote - MMLP __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..