Championship match was everything it was cracked up to be this week guys, this was quite a read and i’ll try to break it down the best that I can though I can see why nobody else in the league has tried and touch this one yet. Both competitors really came to battle.
Universe - First and foremost fuuuuuuuuuck you for making me read that much, come on man it’s Friday! Haha but in all seriousness it was worth every single line imo (which I don’t know if Clut even agreed to go to that high of a line limit?) Anyhow, I spoke in the chat this week about how awesome I think it is that you have this interconnecting story stretching over the span of the league season. I think it’s interesting that no matter what the topic is, you find a way to bend it to what you want it to be and keep telling your story. Thought this one was interesting, you had your topic rooted here throughout. I liked the recap you gave at the beginning, makes it easier for first-time readers to jump into your narrative and also humanizes your character in my eyes, because he’s constantly reliving this nightmare. That regret feels really human. I think that’s important in a story for us the reader to feel what our character feels. I liked the descriptiveness of the scenes as fell, whether it was at the falls, or driving/wrecking the car or at Nick’s house I think you painted a picture in my head of what these places look like and did that well just through brute imagery. And the heel-turn at the end was executed well, with Ben finding out his sister and the kids were still alive, liked quoting two of the lines from last week’s chapter to refresh what had happened and also just let us peer into Ben’s mind as he replays his (supposed) memories of what had happened that night. But out of everything I think I was a fan of the last little verse the most
Wanna know what happened next? I imagined I felt the heaviest round...
In my chest... a flash of red... I'll tell you the rest when in the ground
When my eyeballs are eaten out and my insides disemboweled
My body violently getting pulled down with my head in the clouds
You only start to question if heaven's profound when the devil's around
Guess this is what occurs when a body of water is too empty to drown
I was born the deadliest prowler mixed with the world's friendliest clown
But I know death's secret sound, so tell me ...
Who's envious now?
Just the imagery of him decomposing and having his head “pulled down from the clouds” as he’s buried stuck with me. And the last bit about knowing death’s secret and tying that back around to the topic with the “who’s envious now?” was dope. I think you shined here, there were some fatty parts that could have been trimmed but all in all I was satisfied with the narrative, I loved the twist, and most of the imagery and descriptiveness, even if it was just “padding” felt just as essential as any other bits of the story. So props there and good job on the verse this week.
Clutbuck - I really liked your narrative, you kind of went through this classic story of greed. The goose who lays the golden eggs, the farmer who gets so greedy cashing in on these eggs that he winds up killing the source of his wealth. I think this is a story that is still relevant today tbh. And then I liked the way you spun it into your own story in the end. That’s what I really like about your writing, it’s proficient, refined and super technical but that doesn’t restrict the way you tell your story, it doesn’t get in your way like it does these other really technical writers, you’ve found a way to perfect your style. You had some nice imagery here and things that appealed to all five senses which I enjoy as a reader. “A yellowing auerate of ovular shape” rolled off the tongue and was a great description. It was like butter. There were many other examples of it as well that one just stuck out the most. I think much like Uni, your ending was your strongest point and I think you did a great job of wrapping up your topic with a nice bow on top.
If you store all your eggs in one basket and then it gets stolen
all you’re left with is yolk on your face, so treasure this moment.
The egg that seems golden just may be misleading
the same as we’ve seen in our fables completion.
Impatience and greediness meant The Farmer’s life soon changed
when he realised too late, it had all been a wild goose chase
I really like referring to the farmer’s endeavors as a “wild goose chase” because it brings us back to the golden egg as well as having its on meaning. Really good way to wrap up a verse and was a good read throughout.
Overall, this may come down to personal preference for a lot of people because there wasn’t much wrong with either verse. On a writing level both were pretty evenly matched and both showed that they belonged in this championship. Personally, I’m leaning towards Uni because I was more engaged with his story.Not only was it a good continuation of the narrative he’s been telling throughout this season, it was a good piece in its own right. It was a lot more ambitious than Clut’s and in taking those bigger risks story-wise, Universe has been also getting a pretty great payoff because of it. He’s crafting a great story and i’m excited to see if he can keep these threads connecting together. This is just one man’s opinion and i’m excited to see the other votes because they may completely disagree with me, that’s what I loved about this battle is there’s such an awesome verse on either side and I’m sure it’ll end up close. Great battle guys.
V/Universe
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