MMLP - From a technical standpoint there’s a lot to like about this one, in as much as the rhyme scheme deployed and the multi syllable rhyming, the carry-overs, the internal rhymes etc - there’s a lot going on here, and coupling that degree of difficulty along with telling a story and maintaining an implied rhythmic cadence is way harder to do than it looks. I have to give kudos on that here as it shouldn’t be overlooked. Now, that said, I also enjoyed your take on this topic - partly because I’m a horror fan, but also because it’s something I also did as a child/early teen. I did feel it could have used more in the way of character development, something to anchor the verse, maybe writing it from the third person perspective rather than first person may have suited this more. Towards the mid-section I thought there was a great opportunity to layer on the emotion, in particular around this:
Quote:
Where pranks were exposed and urban legends debunked.
Passed off as hoaxes, with their efforts rebuffed,
with the exception of one I just couldn't forget,
they mentioned it once and it stuck in my head.
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I think a great follow-up would have been the hair on your arms standing up, goosebumps on your skin, your heart racing, eyes wide with fear etc to add a layer of visual imagery and suspense to proceedings, you know?
The other thing worth noting is that conflict drives great stories. If you had the lead character here at some sort of crossroads, maybe Candyman was his best friend/a murderer and so he was unsure what to do - report him to the authorities, or help keep his identity secret - that could have added another layer of conflict to the story and opened up a different avenue to explore. Just something to think about going forward is all.
Scar - I think you’ve improved since your last foray over here, some of the wording really shines form an imagery standpoint (I liked the Bronze Curtain description off rip - but who the fuck buys “bronze” curtains in 2020, though?! LOL) I’m familiar with Virginia Woolf, but I’m in the same boat as Vulgar as to not really knowing enough about her backstory to probably appreciate this the way you do. The concept at its heart is intriguing, the execution perhaps needed some tinkering for me though. Spoken dialogue in these things is difficult to pull off, especially when you’re also trying to rhyme-out that spoken conversation and striking a balance between the technical aspect and keeping the dialogue sounding natural is very, very difficult to achieve. I would generally avoid anything with long drawn out passages of spoken dialogue and interaction between characters in the storytelling format. Instead what you want to put stock into is character development - work on showing the reader who that character is, why they’re like that, and how they’re flawed, other it risks becoming a little “She did this,” or “He did that,” and without the reader being invested into the character - they also aren’t invested in what happens to them, and as much as you then try to bring about something emotional (usually in the final third of a verse) it loses some of the impact (by some I mean, a LOT!). It’s tricky to do, don’t get me wrong, and the 30 line limit doesn’t allow much room for manoeuvre in one sense because you don’t want to waste too much of your allowance on the backstory to not have anything left for the story - but at the same time, you don’t want to do the opposite and have a storyline that doesn’t get the reader invested in what happens come the end. It’s hard, I know, but I think a larger line limit would have suited you much better with this idea and given you the room to fully develop the character first.
Anyway, this is a clash of two opposing styles somewhat, that’s what it came down to to me. MMLP with the short lines and flow (which I myself use) plus the heavier technical element to his work, against the elongated lines of Scar with a significantly greater visual imagery but maybe not the calibre of mechanics on display I’m accustomed to seeing from his opponent. I can see people going one way or the other, but I’ll go with MMLP in a close one. Great battle guys!
Keep those pens moving!