blue that was dope. what i took most from this verse was the internal conflict of the character. it was very well illustrated. the wording really made the character and dilemma come to life. i was fucking with these line - "to and from the office everyday speeding down that old grey road"
"the bulbs wilting away on the table was fitting for a hollow gesture"
"the straw had broke the camel’s back inside a glass half empty"
"its remembering the case files better than i do the look in your eyes"
it illustrated, perfectly, a guy who's unhappy because he can never accept his predicaments, forcing something that is unnatural to him. there were some lackluster moments. i felt that some lines were a little too long. I do that too and have to believe that the way you wrote it is not the way it should be read. im familiar with that. overall good stuff my man.
lulz the first line reminded me of vanilla ice. "so i continue to A1A beachfront avenue!!!" ha ha. anyway, this was a gut-wrenching story. I hope its not true, bodey. the opening was very relatable. you effectively illustrates the carefree nature of their relatiship which was very important to the rest of the verse. I also love how you alluded to sexual abuse but never outright say it, allowing it to kind of situate itself in the back of the mind as i'm reading. It gave the verse and the change of events rhyme and reason to me. it also point to a very understated poignant component of a relationship, that feel that your significant other will be safe with you, satisfying that need to be the protector which heightens ones emotional response for lack of better word. It was awesome. of course the story took a cynical tone. I really like the details and the way you set up the accidental message. that was very clever. only flaw i can really say is that at certain junction of the verse, it went like long line style. but even then, it was justifiable in that it was a moment of heighten emotion reflecting on this angry run-on but luckly they were reinforced with some rhyme tricks.
this is a very close battle but i think i will cast my vote to bodey. I think they both had strength in the emotion department but body story had more intrigue and it took me for a ride as a reader, not just emotionally but story wise a well. good job both of you. thanks for the read.
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