Universe, this was very creative. how you got that plot from that photo is pretty impressive fam. I like some of the literary devices used like that foreshadowing with the go down together line. It shows the time and effort put into the craft which is always a good thing. some poignant moments like the toe and foot line, which breathes "life" into the verse in its mundanity, if you will. The flow was on point. Every rhymes and assonance hit right on cue. rhyme selections were a bit basic for your caliber of writing risk/miss - or never/together luckily, for the most part, you kept the rhymes fresh and innovative. The issue i had with this piece was the actually story itself. I don't mind the shock value but there seems to be a missing component. Mainly the why, right? I felt he developed feelings for his sister due to childhood memory? Its really a stretch in terms of motivation you know? it's hard to describe but something was missing that didn't rest well with me. Some of the wording kind of broke tone. the initial tone of the first half was a dramatic, intimate portrait of forbidden desire, then it got weird not in concept but in execution, like this, "The next sound she made was a yelp as I held her down and raped her
She begged for help, I banged her hard, busted inside to state my cause
All communication stopped... that's what I would call a pregnant pause"
it was almost jovial which although reflects the insanity of the character, broke the sophisticated tone of the first part of the film. I don't know why but that bothered me. Other than that, this was a well thought out verse that i can always expect from you, my man.
Deadman, this was great. the pacing here was perfect. it was a series of montage with just the right verbiage to conjure this nostalgiac feel. the first four lines showcased carefully selected words to capture the veneer of youth. And i think the strength of the verse hung heavily on that type of audience interaction or rather relation with those connotations. It builds up like a calm orchestra piece, crescendoing in grand fashion that someway somehow still maintains a somber understated feel, you know? i think the verse tells of a dilemma of the heart. the main character is wrestling with a decision where the outcome is nestled in uncertainty, there lies his dilemma and i dug how effective you were able to craft this around the picture. lots of great lines also. the cement line was great as was the god and devil line which very much encapsulate the story here.
vote dead man. the truth is, universe is my favorite writer in the league. i think besides lars, he's a writer who really loves the craft and always gives it his 100 percent and it showed. i really want to cast the vote to him and happy that the two before me already did, but i think deadman outwrote him here in style and concept. It was woven in nuanced threads whereas universe was very action pack, the relatability of dead was more entertaining to me.
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