[patrown]

nigma - hmM. it looks like, you focused on an individual's gluttony to make a point about man in general. our greed will be our end. i think the end of the italicized portion pointed to Earth as we know it ending in nuclear winter..

This is not just a play, life's obscured in the shade
Light will drop on the stage like a curtain in flames"

that really is where we're going, and our own nature is definitely taking us there. thirst left un-quenched. powerful piece altogether. you pushed 19 syllables across like nothing..

You're the scum of the planet to the ones that inhabit the slums of your land

i can't even talk shit. inner sandwich on assonance bread.

you weren't a stickler about your end rhyme.. but the sounds meshed well enough for me not to count it against you because the inners were on point. great piece.

objective - man. you had an extremely strong point here. as was said before, i really did need a stronger reason to say kant was wrong. just because we act like fools for women who are off the moment cut off from the "stem" .. giggidy.. anyway, that shit was funny. but in all reality, you asserted an extremely bold statement to be backed up with a giggidy. you were coming through here..

A friend came to help; he gave advice to revise what he's been taught,
And the picture of his mind explains what's behind every thought.

but where did that train of thought go? who's his friend? was it kant(get laid)? hm. i'm confused.

The pyramid is a symbol of the obstacles in his gameplan,
but it wouldn't be there if he wasn't analyzing his aim and
creating issues that shouldn't be present. It truly distorted the view,
but it's also what makes the difference between me, him and you.

you've made a good point here. it just sounded like some advice from the ages. good shit. i'm just a little confused overall. not really sure what to make of the story, it's symbolism, kant's theories, and the girl.
i think.. there were some issues with words that didn't necessarily add to the story or modify its content. maybe i'm being nitpicky, but here for instance..

All of them is dark pieces of his past, but there's no sight of his queen.
Almost as if his dreams was in stand-by, just waiting to blossom.
And the seeds of his deeds seemed to be playing possum,

four "his", "seemed" wasn't necessary. played possum "" inserted after deeds would shorten that thought and allow room for effective modifiers, additional development. there are many places throughout slight rewordings could allow for additional plot development. i only heckle you for this, because i feel like you had a very profound statement to make i either haven't grasped or wasn't fully explained due to length issues. that said, i really enjoyed the piece. i've been trying to figure it out since tuesday and still can't quite make sense of it all. but you had some good rhymes, a great take on the subject, clever word choices.. just needed to be trimmed down a bit and tied together a smidgen of a little for the win.

/v- nigma. fully developed idea, hard hitting rhymes. it would have been hard to beat him this week with any verse.