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namix · 06-13-2013, 12:03 PM

Objective:
MethamphetaNine; shit was hella grime! Nah', ya'll perfected the art of being a poser,
You ''make hammers shoot''? That was stupid too, even Mario beat the Bowser.
--]> i liked the throw back -- to split's point, the end-rhyme kinda hurt the impact.... the concept coulda been hilarious but it would have taken some really strong wording to do so.

Consider using your setups a bit more effectively to build context -- get the reader 'going that direction'. For example, even by simply introducing the concept of "throw back" in the setup --- you then have gotten the audience thinking about throw backs, and follow it up with a throw back to the old school game while also having a nice/simple allusion to Bowser throwing hammers... Again, deliberately a not-so-fancy example to show how using the setup even ever-so-slightly more deliberately can take a punch from eh-to-ok or ok-to-good or good-to-great.

Similarly, a risk many battle writers face is coming up with a decent concept and almost shooting themselves in a foot by undermining the creativity by delivering the punch too cut-and-dry... consider how you can rephrase it to make it more clearly tie to the diss your trying to convey -- or taking the same concept and delivering it in a funnier way that ties the person your dissing to the metaphor ---

example:
my hotness blossoms like mario's flower - whatcha know bout fire power?
as im droppin the kinda hammer with shells that out-rival Bowser's!

see what i mean bro? again, i was feeling the throwback, just figured i'd give some real love feedback wise -- knowing you undoubtedly got at this quick like and what not, hope it helps to some degree.

The reason you aint gettin' a chick; your whole persona's a dick,
So your body's physique ended up with the short end of the stick.
^ similar to the above, this concept isn't as original so it made the delivery of it that much more important --- dick concepts are tough to make effective these days, BUT i do think the idea of 'short end of the stick' is funny enough that if reworked there is a way to make it standout and hit.

All in all, it was a pretty cut-and-dry read bro, but i think you already knew that and i appreciate just throwing something out there anyway -- the concept of Bowser throwing hammers alone made it worth the read lol - definitely made me smile at that one.

Rawn MacDon:
consistent verse, solid 'nuff -- until the end where it was inconsistent because i thought you started getting RAW with it yo! the hurt locker concept was dope, would have been straight ill with a little more conceptual tie to "hurt" --- but then, the cherry on top the shit-on-you sundae was that last bar haha... flow tight, concept funny, dope.

so if he don't tell.....well, we all know the syntax
bout the only hurt locker he ever seen, being the one from his last gym class
--]> hah, i dug this concept a lot dude.
and its seems apparent that ur teams generic...and SiK the problem is...
ur a weak varriant of a street terrorist to everyone but ur speech therapist..
--]> haha. my favorite of this post. the imagery of a scurred therapist alone made this cool, the idea that it was a SPEECH therapist made it funny and the flow brought it all together to make it ill.. THIS was worth the entire read to me, i dont even know if others will appreciate this closer as much as me, but it had a unique steeze to it --- all the right technical craft, and just rounded out the diss great. for better or worse - this line like sonned every other punch in this collab "to me" - it was just levels above everything else i read to that point, and your other shit wasn't bad, this was just an ill/swag feel coupled with comedy and also felt "personal", even if SiK doesnt have a speech therapist I'm convinced he does have one now.... so man fuck, solid drop, but even more solid since you ended on the punch i'll remember it by.

Always appreciate a good crew beef --- digging the activity, i'm down with this for the sake of a good 'ol crew beef alone, but that closer really was worth the wait for me, haha. good shit fellas.

06-13-2013, 12:03 PM	#7
namix been that, done there. Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 2,259 Battle Record: 2-1 Accomplishments - OM HOF Rep Power: 85246656	Objective: MethamphetaNine; shit was hella grime! Nah', ya'll perfected the art of being a poser, You ''make hammers shoot''? That was stupid too, even Mario beat the Bowser. --]> i liked the throw back -- to split's point, the end-rhyme kinda hurt the impact.... the concept coulda been hilarious but it would have taken some really strong wording to do so. Consider using your setups a bit more effectively to build context -- get the reader 'going that direction'. For example, even by simply introducing the concept of "throw back" in the setup --- you then have gotten the audience thinking about throw backs, and follow it up with a throw back to the old school game while also having a nice/simple allusion to Bowser throwing hammers... Again, deliberately a not-so-fancy example to show how using the setup even ever-so-slightly more deliberately can take a punch from eh-to-ok or ok-to-good or good-to-great. Similarly, a risk many battle writers face is coming up with a decent concept and almost shooting themselves in a foot by undermining the creativity by delivering the punch too cut-and-dry... consider how you can rephrase it to make it more clearly tie to the diss your trying to convey -- or taking the same concept and delivering it in a funnier way that ties the person your dissing to the metaphor --- example: my hotness blossoms like mario's flower - whatcha know bout fire power? as im droppin the kinda hammer with shells that out-rival Bowser's! see what i mean bro? again, i was feeling the throwback, just figured i'd give some real love feedback wise -- knowing you undoubtedly got at this quick like and what not, hope it helps to some degree. The reason you aint gettin' a chick; your whole persona's a dick, So your body's physique ended up with the short end of the stick. ^ similar to the above, this concept isn't as original so it made the delivery of it that much more important --- dick concepts are tough to make effective these days, BUT i do think the idea of 'short end of the stick' is funny enough that if reworked there is a way to make it standout and hit. All in all, it was a pretty cut-and-dry read bro, but i think you already knew that and i appreciate just throwing something out there anyway -- the concept of Bowser throwing hammers alone made it worth the read lol - definitely made me smile at that one. Rawn MacDon: consistent verse, solid 'nuff -- until the end where it was inconsistent because i thought you started getting RAW with it yo! the hurt locker concept was dope, would have been straight ill with a little more conceptual tie to "hurt" --- but then, the cherry on top the shit-on-you sundae was that last bar haha... flow tight, concept funny, dope. so if he don't tell.....well, we all know the syntax bout the only hurt locker he ever seen, being the one from his last gym class --]> hah, i dug this concept a lot dude. and its seems apparent that ur teams generic...and SiK the problem is... ur a weak varriant of a street terrorist to everyone but ur speech therapist.. --]> haha. my favorite of this post. the imagery of a scurred therapist alone made this cool, the idea that it was a SPEECH therapist made it funny and the flow brought it all together to make it ill.. THIS was worth the entire read to me, i dont even know if others will appreciate this closer as much as me, but it had a unique steeze to it --- all the right technical craft, and just rounded out the diss great. for better or worse - this line like sonned every other punch in this collab "to me" - it was just levels above everything else i read to that point, and your other shit wasn't bad, this was just an ill/swag feel coupled with comedy and also felt "personal", even if SiK doesnt have a speech therapist I'm convinced he does have one now.... so man fuck, solid drop, but even more solid since you ended on the punch i'll remember it by. Always appreciate a good crew beef --- digging the activity, i'm down with this for the sake of a good 'ol crew beef alone, but that closer really was worth the wait for me, haha. good shit fellas. __________________ well fed.