It looks like this one is over already, I guess, but it would be a shame not to at least leave some feedback on it since Objective filled in on short notice and Witty decided to grace us with something.
I enjoy seeing Witty play around with rhyme schemes and create a kind of dichotomous back-and-forth to his writing. It’s well honed and refined, so much so even on short notice he’s capable of putting together a verse of this quality. The initial line to the opener threw me for a loop somewhat as I wasn’t sure who “he” was and it added a bit of mystery and intrigue to want to read on and find out who it was in relation to the narrator. It’s clever. The word “thump,” was a good onomatopoeic choice to the heart reference - it’s one I’ve actually used earlier this week for something else. Great minds, eh? The ‘void’ end rhyme can be a tricky one to go off with so little to play with so I was interested in seeing how you would then rhyme yourself out of a tight spot. You made it simple by not trying to and instead switching the scheme up and starting over haha! I see you, though, no love lost. The section immediately after that was actually the better from that stanza, in my opinion, as the “and he’d jump to record,” enjambment felt slightly out place within the structure and scheme you had built up and fit outside of that. The “but first... a little patience,” seemed more in keeping with the rest of the piece and more tied in to what you were doing.
[quite]In demand from award shows to radio stations
He plays to the nation and bathes in their crazy ovation[/quote]
I wasn’t such a fan of “crazy ovation,” used here as an end rhyme, in truth, crazy ovation just seemed an unnatural phrase to use (to me) but what I wanted to highlight here is something I also noted in Lucifer Howlz verse where the rhyme placement in that second line helps the rhythmic cadence or implied rhythm/flow of the line. It’s more than just the “plays to the nation” “crazy ovation” rhyme. The word “bathes” used in between those, with a similar sounding word to the hard masculine syllable sounding AY in “plays” and “crazY” creates this sound of an additional rhyming syllable in between the two multies that carries the line forward. It’s something I see fewer textcees do, but if you sound the line out loud it gives the line a better sound because of that additional rhyme in between. I just find it interesting, hopefully someone else will read it and pick up on it too. It’s subtle, and done well, a very underrated tool IMO. I saw you used the word ‘crazy’ in an end rhyme twice within the relatively short space of 10 lines which isn’t something I would personally do - the proximity is too close and there’s a ton of substitute words you could have used instead.
This was another one-liner I enjoyed because I find it quite simple, but effective:
Quote:
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I remember his eyes, I remember his smile
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It says a lot with a little. It has a very universally relatable quality to it, we will all be able to relate to it in some way, especially the eyes and smile, and you did that using just 8 words. It’s short, it’s quite matter of fact, the repetition of the “I remember his,” maybe adds a little more weight and gravitas to the second half of the line. I just really like it’s use, partly due to its simplicity I guess and how it says so much with so little.
The use of the ellipses, mostly in the final stanza, were utilised well too I thought. There are periods where it reads more “train-of-thought” style from the narrators words, almost like he’s thinking about what he’s saying before the words leave his mouth. He is wanting to give some thought to what he’s going to say about the man in the image. It adds a more genuine quality to the character (possibly yourself here) narrating the backstory. Fictitious, or otherwise, it added to the believability in what was being said and so on that front it worked well. The emotion was there, for sure, and I feel if you had more conflict to drive the story - beyond just “here’s a boy that played guitar I used to know, he’s dead now,” it would have added a lot more to the bones of this piece (in my opinion). The guitar felt underused, ultimately, as I felt a lot could have been explored with that either as more of an extended metaphor for something (drug misuse, anxiety, depression maybe?) or even something to do with the guitar case closing for the final time at his funeral / the coffin lid coming down. I haven’t put too much thought into either of those ideas, but right off the bat those are two I think could probably have been implemented to better tie in the guitar more to what you already have there. Just an idea for you to consider going forward. I know you write late. Nice verse.
Objective: You put together more in 24 hours than some more respected names could manage in a whole week. Lol. Be proud of that fact. Your style these days has a noticeable upswing in the sheer amount of rhymes used and rhyme placement used. It’s similar to the line I referenced in Witty’s where I pointed to the “bathes” rhyme. It creates more of an implied rhythmic cadence, so even though you aren’t using multi syllable rhymes a lot of the time - the quick succession of singular rhymes adds another element to what you’re doing over the guys that just rhyme towards the end of each couplet. I’ve also noticed the sheer word count in your stanzas here is vastly reduced down, sometimes to only maybe 12 words in the entire line, and when you couple that shorter line length with the amount of rhymes you’re also including - the pace of the read becomes quite quick, making it a breeze to read through, helped by the cadence of the lines. The main thing you want to look at now you have a good grasp of that fact is you still want to sustain a clear direction to the narrative storytelling. Keep it concise, but also be careful not to lose the reader in amongst all of the flair writing. The main objective (pun always intended) is to navigate the reader from point A to point B, clearly, without them losing their way. It’s a difficult balancing act, trying to tell a well crafted story while also doing these smaller tricks and turns, but it’s the more minor details we look towards afterward in these things. If you have the solid foundations laid first, it’s easier to build on the aesthetics of the structure later. The building analogy pretty much ends there from me, but you’ll get what I mean. The final closing lines seemed wrote more quickly with the deadline approaching, the line lengths slowly creeping up and there was a noticeable sort of shift in the writing. It could have been the time constraints, it could have been you keying quickly to get the verse up on time, i’m unsure but it’s there and is noticeable. Let’s talk about the comparison between these two verses though; firstly it was two different styles in terms of mechanics - Witty favouring the more rhyme scheme heavy verse that bounced the schemes around while telling the story against Objectives more topical take full of rhyme placement. For me, personally, I am more heavily influenced toward rhyme schemes and multi syllabic rhyming so it’s difficult for me to look past what Witty was doing even with me also noticing what Objective employed. So there’s that. The second factor, for me, was the more storytelling based verse against the topical take. Witty’s has the more emotional pull, it’s well crafted in that sense, and I also found that in terms of executing the finale Witty offered a more well-rounded and satisfying ending to me (as a reader) where Objective seemed to rush towards an end with the finish line in sight. I could be wrong, but that’s certainly how I read it, so again in that regard I felt Witty was the better of the two. I enjoyed the very natural, conversational, tone to the piece as if he was speaking directly to me as a reader - almost as if I knew his son from some point - while Objective (in the first stanza) leaned more toward a rhyming verse or spoken dialogue which didn’t come off as plausible in an everyday setting - it took away a sense of realism that Witty almost excelled in with his verse, and reading both pieces back to back within this thread maybe only highlights the differences between the two takes all the more so, it could be why the voting had largely gone the way it has, because when putting them both together (as readers) we have a universally relatable piece from Witty tinged with emotion against a verse that seems more far removed and less like our own every day lives. It’s fun, isn’t it? Anyway, that’s largely what lead to me calling this one as I have done. A combination of the technical prowess, the emotive storytelling, and the way Witty went about executing his story. This is what proved decisive here (for me).
Vote - Witty
Keep those pens moving!