[Scar]

witty, good stuff here my man.

When he first got it he couldn't play one single chord
but from day one it became what he loved and adored
And when they weren't together he was lovesick and bored
Occasionally he'd play something that made his heart thump
And he'd jump to record
Before it faded to black, forgotten in time, gone to the void
He went from a lost little boy to an artist full of blossoming joy
He went to the classes, studied Hendrix and Clapton..at first an imitation
But invented his path with his thirst and innovation
Researched their limitations and intended to pass them
But first..a little patience
He knew work was the way to birth his liberation.

great character development. the heart thump section was a little bumpy but i see the scheme you were going for. love the void line! the next line was good too but was a bit too terse, and matter of factly for this type character-centric verse. although i appreciate the limitations/blazing his own path connection with "birth his liberation", im not entirely sold on the utilization of "birth his liberation". i felt it was too "theatrical", if you will.

Now he's getting blinded by the lights on the stage
The lights in the crowd
His days have got hectic and his nights have got loud
In demand from award shows to radio stations
He plays to the nation and bathes in their crazy ovation
He's leaving the stage, and he heads for the door
But they're screaming his name and they're begging for more
In a haze he obeys them...
And day after day it's just industry stuff
There's very little time for just him and his love
Very little time to create and to grow
They don't want the new...just play what they know
So he plays to placate them...
His privacy and space starts to fade from this crazy invasion
He hears their screams in his sleep...he may need sedation
Just a little...something...to soothe him
A little...something...to stave off the alienation.

great stanza. it did feel a bit vh1 behind the music but i like that its delving into the central conflict of the verse/character. the just play what they know line was absolutely beautiful. i think theres a lot of truth behind that line. the latter part of the stanza drifted into a more aloof tone (writing wise). wasn't feeling the crazy invasion bit.

Now the screaming has ceased
No crowds, no fame...just me and this grief
I remember his eyes, I remember his smile
Some memories nice, some memories vile
I remember placing that guitar in his hands
I remember him working like crazy, starting his band
The vibrance that sprayed from his pores when he played
The pride that he placed in each chord that he made
I can still see him hunched over his love...lost in his head
And I can see him laying cold on his hospital bed
I try to erase all the pain, and fill my mind with the joy
To you he was an icon...to me, he was just my little boy.

the vibrance that sprayed couplet was fuckin awesome. i was a bit taken back when you revealed that the voice to be a parental figure. The first two stanzas alluded to conventional 3rd person perspective that wasn't of that intimate nature, if that made sense at all. i do like where the plot is going. painting the up and down nature of life but with that emotional weight.

So I keep this guitar, I sleep with it, take it everywhere
...Display it with pride
I've never plucked a string, the music's playing inside
I just grip it like he gripped my hand on the day he was born...
...And like I gripped his on the day that he died.

music's playing inside was such a powerful line, finishing the verse with a nice sense of irony. this was really good stuff man.

objective, this took focus to get through lul
Self Proclaimed Nice Guys

Jonas A. Randal, confession:
"Yes, I handle breasts underneath the mantle in ways subtle cultists couldn't handle,
only blunders rock the craddle. But my dragons breath crackle scandals
approaching ghosting cattles proposing toasts for hosts opposing saddles.
I'm almost on those enclosing shallow but propose to open barrels.
Smoking chokes the joking locust that is lost and starved for focus,
potent roaches coach us to reflect our magnum opus' as the peak of living life.
I'd predict and treat her fine, someone to call me mine but get told to give it time,
I don't want to know what a killers feelings like,
I just need someone to be my wife!"

not a fan of that first part. There were lots of great assonance but content wise, i can make heads or tail of it. for example: smoking chokes the joking locust. I would imagine theres some great metaphor happening in that line but it lacked foundation to really offer anything. and why would you word it like that? what is a joking locust?

The verdict the way they heard it:
It's evident the evidence aim towards obsessive urgent relevance with lack of vocal elegance,
you only need two words: social intelligence.
Add emotional sense based on depiction of self in a prediction of Hell,
that coalition work well if being an incel is a good prison to dwell.
You can't listen to shellshocked individuals
speaking on the topic of bedrock mating rituals...
The same kind that made Ayn Rand and Aesop misguided and spiritual
to make their lie visual.

i really like the first line. seems to be a lonely introverted guy who doesn't know how to socially engage people. i don't entirely get it but i liked the bedrock mating rituals line lulz. it maybe speaking on experience? overall a very solid segment because it didn't relay too much on dense literary devices

In practice:
The fact is it's theatrics on all bases, faceless among ageless phases,
cases not subject to races, brainwaves and similar mazes.
It's Atlantis balancing on the head of a ranting mantis
advancing with stoic pride deadened by an extrovert panting frantic.
Flex do work and it's chanting granted its objective is a palace for malice,
cus everyone know that they hate that whore (that we adore) named [Insert_Name] /example: Alice/
~Framed by the chalice that ignites amorous tension~,
^bitch please, you can't exchange firey love for attention.
So try hard not to mention the shortcomings of self, cus
we know when hyper sensitive individuals start reaching
they ain't hittin' the top shelf, thus;
they stop copin' yet steadily bleeding with this greedy lack of ego feeling defeated, looks can be deceiving when badly treated, yet these beasts won't see it but they'll tease and feed it like they need it.
And at the border of Hell we're needing this notion
in order to sell.

and then we are back to dense language. What is faceless among ageless phases? are you describing youth? Atlantis balancing on the head of a ranting mantis? why? the fiery love for attention line was dope though. reaching and top shelf line was clever and very good. last line was great also.

this was a nice clash of style. witty wrote a simple linear verse about fame, rewards and relapse wrapping it off with a nice little irony bow. objective it appears, was a study on idiosyncrasy in relation to social values/norm. Both had interesting takes but i think one was able to engage me more using simple syntax while the other had a more complex concept, but was not entirely able to communicate the nuance due to lots of unnecessary complex wording. vote, Witty