[Diablo]

Brokenhal0: This topic should play into your strengths here, it’s got an almost abstract feel to it and your verses are always quite indirect with a lot of a poetically flowery wording etc, it’s evident from the opening couplet to me with “cardboard broad umbrella” but the second line in particular has a less sophisticated feel to its descriptive language and really lowers in tone with the whole “Tits licked” thing. It felt out of place here with the first line, almost, as I read through this given the choice of words used (apart from broad in the opener, if it was intended as in broad/female rather just a wide umbrella). It was an interesting risk so early on to go for a non-rhyming couplet, I see how the second line rhymes and recovers it but for an opening line I found it quite unusual for someone to lead with that. It’s a risk, IMO, even though it’s didn’t detract from anything for me by doing that here. It was more the change in tone of the language used that threw me slightly as it seemed so out of place.

We’re weirdly then into territory of you eating ass? Bliss different/piss different reads as quite hastily written/keyed up and sloppy to me. Surely there were other rhyming words that could have been used there without repeating “different” so closely together. There must be without over thinking it.

The mid section lost me to be honest, there were bits where I can see you trying to flex the more mechanical side with multies etc but it wasn’t saying a lot, really, I did like “snake bites open neck,” line because it got the point across well without needing to be direct and still keeping things semi-abstract there. “Solid soul, open legs,” was kind of cool too and stood out to me. I wasn’t so sure on the closing lines, it was almost like you fell in love with a stripper maybe there, but I finished it feeling like I didn’t really know 100% what you were getting at if thats incorrect. It lacked a clarity to it to really hammer your point home and anchor this, if there was one, and that’s my thoughts on it at least.

Cereal: This picture almost lends itself to your style, also, so this was quite a good match stylistically - on paper at least - pitting you against BH. You opened stronger than your opponent here to me, “bathroom tiled performance heights,” I enjoyed and from a purely technical standpoint it’s clear you’re doing more than your opponent did in those first eight or so lines by keeping the same multi string running across them. Right up to the “thighs - rape” end rhyme you were doing relatively well, but from there on you should have ditched that multi string and switched it up to something different because it felt like you were reaching. The “waltz with smile caged” actually stood out. I like the idea of the caged smile, even if I’m not sold 100% on the wording of that particular one. It just doesn’t feel natural enough to me and I think plain old “caged smile” would have worked better (but is less interesting sounding, for sure, and would t have stayed within your rhyme pattern lol). The ending of yours also left me somewhat still wanting answers, BUT I did feel it offered more in the way of some closure to the verse and anchored it better than BH ended on.

So there you go, I guess for a few reasons this week I’m leaning toward Cereal overall. Firstly the technical merit of those opening 8 or so where he displayed something we didn’t see from BH. Secondly, both of you overdid the sexual references here when I didn’t feel either verse REALLY needed it and in both cases it could have been done with a different tone, a more fitting sophisticated voice of reason possibly, speaking on the sexual acts as an adult would as opposed to what we had here which made the acts more puerile (to me). The wording, largely, I had edged to Cereal even though both had snippets I was feeling for the reasons stated previously above and I also felt Cereal offered more in the way of his conclusion. The other interesting thing of note, to me, was that Cereal tried to embody himself as the female in first person where as BH took the route of the third person narrator type roll describing the events. Very different takes, if you break this down to what’s there, and also the conflicted female in Cereal’s piece has the added internal conflict which often drives great stories (this wasn’t great, don’t get me wrong, but it meant it offered more here than BH’s verse IMO.)

There you have it. I have Cereal taking this one, marginally, but in quite a few categories across the board which makes me lean his way quite heavily.