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Vulgar · 03-23-2019, 01:52 AM

The rhyme scheme at the beginning was close to the chest, steady pacing, like Immortal Technique's pace.

"Creation has become a grandiose ritual
Done in the guise of something spiritual."

Interesting and solidly crafted bar.

"Say my goodbye, as having to remember her often
Is a chemical toxin. Don't tempt me with logic,
I don't believe in eternal concepts. Paradise is to be forgotten."

A refusal to fall for established religious credo. Deconstructing the images of innocence and purity. I noticed you use some common phrases like 'frozen in time' and 'gazing into the distance'. You have a good focus when bringing the structure of things together, and only choose to veer from the path when either you have to rhyme certain words and it limits you, or you just decide to pursue a different angle (like most verses usually).

Say my goodbye, as having to remember her often
Is a chemical toxin. Don't tempt me with logic,
I don't believe in eternal concepts. Paradise is to be forgotten.

^This part was the most important of the piece for me aside from the beginning commentary. This 'she' entity could be many identities, maybe a personal one to you.

Thanks for sharing.

03-23-2019, 01:52 AM	#2
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	The rhyme scheme at the beginning was close to the chest, steady pacing, like Immortal Technique's pace. "Creation has become a grandiose ritual Done in the guise of something spiritual." Interesting and solidly crafted bar. "Say my goodbye, as having to remember her often Is a chemical toxin. Don't tempt me with logic, I don't believe in eternal concepts. Paradise is to be forgotten." A refusal to fall for established religious credo. Deconstructing the images of innocence and purity. I noticed you use some common phrases like 'frozen in time' and 'gazing into the distance'. You have a good focus when bringing the structure of things together, and only choose to veer from the path when either you have to rhyme certain words and it limits you, or you just decide to pursue a different angle (like most verses usually). Say my goodbye, as having to remember her often Is a chemical toxin. Don't tempt me with logic, I don't believe in eternal concepts. Paradise is to be forgotten. ^This part was the most important of the piece for me aside from the beginning commentary. This 'she' entity could be many identities, maybe a personal one to you. Thanks for sharing.