[Coup]

Topical Dood- I read this three times.

I have mixed feelings about this and am not too sure what situation and in what context I am reading this in or what you meant the reader to gather. I gather that a friend in the Chicago boom days of sky rise construction went down and died in an accident due to the dangers of building greedy empire. Lot's of themes I picked up on such as: revenge, friendships, greed, right and wrong, justice and tragedy. If I don't have this right is it not my fault. I gave this a few slow reads.

The rhyming in a lot of areas was jarring and sparatic, not establishing itself or sustaining itself...rather losing out to awkward phrasing and line structure. I think your structure was too lose and with too many syllables to pace this along nicely. I got jarred on many lines, being as to me they did not transition or set up/pay off well.

Not a bad piece, a bit confusing considering the verbiage and general ambiguity of this...it's open to lots of different interpretations as I am aware of that possibility.

This may seem overly negative, but keep in mind I am usually not as confused to meaning as I am with this one in particular.

I feel the emotions you gave us, and feel for the death of this man. May he rest in peace. Good job qualifying that. PROPS for real.

The strength was the framing, I think you did really well finishing what oyu strated in your first few lines, and leaving us with a situational question, provoking thoughts that linger even when this peice stops. I notice that and try to work on these myself and it seems you did that really well here. Something you should open up to more efficent word management and lien structuring.

Good drop DOOD.



Pent-

I'm not too keen on picking up and fitting this picture topic well into your verse at all tbh. But I also understand it's all retaliative and open to artist interpretation.

Good use of metaphor and analogy to really create a mood where this situation is a kin to a misty mountain peak and these two lovers, in their medical bed situation, are the elements that make up a great blizzard of drama and activity. What we really observe in nature is often what we feel in life. Good capturing this here. It was a focused read and you did not stray from these devices at all, making this easy to follow and understand. I felt smart reading this.

Very good use of slants and loose multis in this. Or mosaic rhyming. Nice work man.

The avalanche to me is the possibility, or your knowledge of the worst become reality, of losing both your lover who is very vulnerable, and represents the harsh elements of a winter mountain, and your very own definition of any normalcy you can get out of such a habitat.

The strength here was the inner play on metaphor into the realm of the mundane static that is everyday life, despite what's going on...hard to say in words. This was reinforced by clever mechanics, while weaker in some areas, feeling lazy but stronger in others.

+1 Pohfig.