[Coup]

dead woman-

I really enjoyed the sharp cadence of this, enough to even quote it:

espionage. ready or not, i'm destined to drop
mental facade was our intention. but the weapons were stocked
lessons were taught. all propaganda, pay attention and watch
how a thought becomes a monster from electrical shock
into physical death. primitive tendencies developing clots
leaking blood into the intersect of Western and Bloc
it's a game of thrones, ally versus enemy shots
Stalinistic viewpoints of a Leninist plot

I wished you would have included some syllable sounds of "espionage" into this body of flow, but that's a moot point. But you went to the weak side with "drop". call me butt hurt over this, IDK.

Loved how Leninist plot rolled off the tongue...I notice the sustained use of the "drop' sound through out this body. PROPS big boy. Some good alteration through out with the "op" sounds and the general use of OOO. na mean ? good.

I felt after this body of flow you could have used paragraphs pretty effectively, considering you use a clever repeat theme of "ready or not" to start another idea....remember this next time because a general reader will notice and appropriate it more by picking up on it more easily. Call me doctor, ok ?

All in all I was taken to school on a soild, I mean soild flow peice. Nice presentation of ideas that found a way to rhyme robustly without being obvious rhyme requirement filler. Nice drop dude. Nice.



Pat-

I seems what is blocking you from elevating and rounding off that potential you got is your inability to commit to something. you always seem to miss or come up short of what you really can do due to some type of real life situation that puts you back, and it reflects in your work, cos it is always seemingly incomplete, rushed or just in time of a dead line...you have to commit to your craft and give it your all, and or just don't play games. I say this as a friend of yours.

I read deadman first and voted before I read yours and voted. I was thinking, wow pat is finished, no way can he top this flow scheme. I was surprised really..

Now with that said I will look at your work here unbiased considering what I just said.

slipping deeper into the depths of consciousness
donning armor of silence in response to threat

^This is what I mean. This is raw and hard son. You kill it with these lines, a smart dexterity with fresh mechanics, on par and surpassing your opponents in a lot of respects. BIG PROPS.


we breathe in deep, allowing pupil's to focus
choking on our own fumes, flesh eaten by locusts

^Hats off to you sir.


taking away your sole along with the day
as the sun sets into a sky turning red
the blackest of hearts return from the dead
humming a lullaby to a child you'll never have
watching the life inside die along with the past
life's melancholy lyrics are wrote with one hand
sweeping away tracks God leaves in the sand

Beautiful man.

You gave a lot of heart in a few lines, almost no waste and such a poetry and relentless deliver. You spoke with authority and the little details were meaningful in this leaving me tearful for the guy typing, your character and his loathing, but his deep insights. A piece of you in this.


//

I interpret Patrowns work to hit harder, be more heartfelt and meaningful with some raw emotion with a purpose here, vs Deadman's ace of three spades coming large but a bit distant for me. Patrown used his picture more giving a more cunning representation, while Dead added more relevant references that were obvious but great. I think the lack of references in Pat's made it stand on its own, giving it a timeless quality to it because of that..

This is a very good battle.


1+Pat