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Coup · 06-09-2013, 07:47 PM

Put me back on my meds my heads playing tricks on me right?
Can you believe I actually thought living was worth life

The last line in these two bars really halted and forced stopped the otherwise good flow above it...it crashed on me and left a negative effect for me personally.

I sum that up to a transition from a more broad general narrative where you speak of things and how they relate to you universally, to a more personal ultra specific relationship with what you observe around you. Which was a poor transition. use paragraphs, don't be afraid of them. verse structure does a lot in support of a cadence, a mood and what you want your verse to do in these things.

This was a good inner personality trying to come out to the surface, almost like you facing yourself and the battle within. I saw it there, which i felt you did an OK job...

Layering this verse with more dimensions that make up a struggle could have served to offer this written a more polished and a more complete effect...adding in the other life ingredients and the whole package expressed with what often comes with a character like this...as it stood you touched well on a few common ones. The common ones are easy, the more interesting elements (which you left out imo) make or break a verse.

Keep at it.

just some thoughts kat.

06-09-2013, 07:47 PM	#5
Coup Don't believe the hype Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 572 Battle Record: 4-5 Rep Power: 0	Put me back on my meds my heads playing tricks on me right? Can you believe I actually thought living was worth life The last line in these two bars really halted and forced stopped the otherwise good flow above it...it crashed on me and left a negative effect for me personally. I sum that up to a transition from a more broad general narrative where you speak of things and how they relate to you universally, to a more personal ultra specific relationship with what you observe around you. Which was a poor transition. use paragraphs, don't be afraid of them. verse structure does a lot in support of a cadence, a mood and what you want your verse to do in these things. This was a good inner personality trying to come out to the surface, almost like you facing yourself and the battle within. I saw it there, which i felt you did an OK job... Layering this verse with more dimensions that make up a struggle could have served to offer this written a more polished and a more complete effect...adding in the other life ingredients and the whole package expressed with what often comes with a character like this...as it stood you touched well on a few common ones. The common ones are easy, the more interesting elements (which you left out imo) make or break a verse. Keep at it. just some thoughts kat. __________________ What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope. Last edited by Coup; 06-09-2013 at 07:49 PM.