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Coup · 06-09-2013, 05:45 PM

I ain't going to touch on mechanics here, just story devices:

Given that you use the days of the week as templates for story exposition, I feel that you brushed your pen to broadly and did not dive as deep as you could have laying out the heart and soul of this cat.

the problem you wrote about is a basic one that we all can identify with and in, but I feel you just came cliche here and offered nothing unique or fresh besides the common pain of being down trodden by love and life...

what could you have added, well that is up to you. I still did not connect or feel this guy because this is so common, and it seemed to me we were dealing with a text book instead of a real situation.

not bad, because this was super easy to follow, which most likely means it is well written and it was. good job on that.

focus more on characterization, this is your character. give something that would be used in a plot or screen play...establish a here and now, a why and how. give us the story and back story, let us in on the details that were overlooked because this story was one of those that we just had to fill in ourselves, where you have to do that.

06-09-2013, 05:45 PM	#12
Coup Don't believe the hype Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 572 Battle Record: 4-5 Rep Power: 0	I ain't going to touch on mechanics here, just story devices: Given that you use the days of the week as templates for story exposition, I feel that you brushed your pen to broadly and did not dive as deep as you could have laying out the heart and soul of this cat. the problem you wrote about is a basic one that we all can identify with and in, but I feel you just came cliche here and offered nothing unique or fresh besides the common pain of being down trodden by love and life... what could you have added, well that is up to you. I still did not connect or feel this guy because this is so common, and it seemed to me we were dealing with a text book instead of a real situation. not bad, because this was super easy to follow, which most likely means it is well written and it was. good job on that. focus more on characterization, this is your character. give something that would be used in a plot or screen play...establish a here and now, a why and how. give us the story and back story, let us in on the details that were overlooked because this story was one of those that we just had to fill in ourselves, where you have to do that. __________________ What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope.