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Old 01-17-2019, 11:19 PM   #5
Pharaohs Army
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinacog View Post
The seas the breeze, a dark catharsis - their hands join together and harbor darkness
Sought their jargon,
I don't know what sought their jargon means
he's her knight in shining armor, their two hearts are
sought as heartless
Green grassy hills and meadows glisten In the moonlight, their love booms shine
What is "booms shine"?
Their souls are two bright,
Do you mean "too bright"
when their eyes align, they see the true light
They're soul mates who harbor love of two doves of Noah's Ark
soulmates is one word
When he showed his sleeve for her glee, she showed her heart
She build monuments and kingdoms for her knight, showed him light
builds*
He showed her darkness, and showed her his light in a dark catharsis
He showed her darkness, and showed her his light are two opposite thoughts strung together
They loved to love each other, they froliced through meadows of daisy's
They loved to love each other is rather trite. frolicked* daisies*
They froliced through meadows,
already said this
and kingdoms of glee, seeing the gleam
What are kingdoms of glee?, and What does seeing the gleam mean? You're just trying to rhyme syllables here with no meaning.
They see light in darkness, saw the gleaming light in a dark catharsis
light or dark which is it?
Two star crossed lovers, loved to love each other, loved to kiss and hug each other
Trite but it rhymes well
In the night their Romeo and Juliet, Dante' and Beatrice;
they're* they see the light in the darkness
They sought with their jargon, they found the light in the darkest catharsis
This is getting repetitive
When night comes, they make love, they loved each other from soul to heart
From essence to spirit, they wrote songs for each other, and sung the lyrics
In the night, they mourn each other, though none are death's sought
I don't know what "none are death's sought" means
They are life's sought, death is sought
Again, just opposite phrases that you're stringing together
when they die for each other day by day
In the night, they tongue kiss in creative tongues, fairy's never forsake their hums
fairies*
When the moonlight caresses their body's, the day hugs
bodies*. "The day hugs", really?
in the day, they look upon the rainbow ocean, see days and rays of light
They see days and rays of plight, days and rays of sight
getting repetitive with the days and rays
See the light in the darkness, they are two doves in a dark catharsis
Sought the heartless, sought the jargon, see the light in a dark rainbow
Repetitive
Rainbows frolic in meadows and river streams, serene the sea
How do rainbows frolic in meadows and river streams?
The breeze is sliced with their love in the air, they are two doves in the air
The simplest of rhymes
The night seas the day,
this is nonsensical
beaming rays, with leaves of grace
Sea the waves, breeze the day, leaves of grace, shade their face
The night breaks day, leaves of grace,
You've said leaves of grace 3X in a row now
frolic with rainbows of singing rings
He loves her more than their kingdom, where they are king and queen..

Good luck, check mate.
Umm, no, not check mate.
This was pretty bad dude. Not feeling it at all.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maximus View Post
let's fly like a graduate's cap

become your airbag in a crash

let's vanish like black magic in a flash

between us there's no massive gap

lets dash like athletes running laps on tracks
All of these phrases and similes are very trite; not digging it.

I appreciate you kept a rhyme scheme all the way through but there were definitely spots where you were reaching for a rhyme and it hurt the meaning and flow. Some phrases that just didn't make much sense or seem coherent.

"Grab my hand" is very repetitive but it went with the picture.

I don't think this was that good but Sinacog's was far worse so you get my vote.


V Maximus
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