Quote:
Originally Posted by Diablo
“Yearn my earn” reads awkwardly and clunky.
“Besieged my vacancy” means nothing.
“Trying to find the strength of sailing ships” makes more sense to me than “trying to have the strength”
“Ripped and soiled” is weird to me as here “soiled your pants” means you’ve shit yourself and I don’t think that’s what you were going for.
“Twist in nets” again is bad wording. Twisted in nets is what you needed but you tried to fit the rhyme and it just made it unnecessarily wordy when it didn’t need to be and several other rhymes could have made for a better fit.
Your alliterative stuff at times is very good, one of your strengths and you should play to that. Corner of my cornea etc is an example where it works and works well. You just need to let it come naturally and not search for it so hard. Ditch the word “Thee”. We’re in 2018, not 1518. No one speaks like that anymore.
How do you fight deception? It seems put in there to make it rhyme without really saying anything (or adding anything) other than to make it rhyme.
How does a night intend to leave sharks with the pebbles? It doesn’t.
For what it’s worth I enjoyed quite a bit of this but you’ve patched where it just comes off as tryhard and you sacrificing stuff to seem over-complicated and poetic when there’s really no need. The scheme isn’t everything. The more you can say with less, the better, and the more accessible you can make it to a universal audience the better also. Strip it back. Find what you’re good at and play to your stengths, try not to get so caught up in the wording and trying to make yourself seem intelligent. You have some good ideas but you’re not going to be revered as the next Aristotle because of you posting up a poem on a message board.
Just my advice.
|
Lol damn you tore this young laurette heart out. Lara is ncs Simon cowell. But this was a cool read. You do have a tendacy to try and make phrases sound like your saying something when your not. But it has a nice read to it. Keep it up