[PancakeBrah]

It remains up for debate as to whether or not, we’re here for a reason or here just left to rot.



Who is this an allusion to? I distinctly remember an Open Mic starting with this.



Abandonment complex melting in my alchemical pot. Love me whole, need me, don’t leave me, lend me your forget-me-nots. Perennial. Stop – time to observe every petal that dropped and shed a tear, insincerely, as the sentiment wants



I spent an afternoon recently reading my Open Mic cypher posts, 2014 to now. This reads like what I what was reaching for back then. The whole forget-me-not tie in is just perfect. The "love me , need me, don't leave me" supplication is so naked and natural. Plus it all up with the punctuated rhyme scheme and you've got a gem.




. I question conscience a lot.



Dope.



Embracing death equates to spending on your burial plot. Except it’s not, unless bereft of knowledge.



Second sentence was wack. Well written with sentiment but a screeching halt. Not a fan.



Stab loose the soil, on divine earth we stood. Is it unusual to toil ‘til fingers turn inward? all those earnings put toward a hole at which we never care to look. Unhappy with happiness; prefer the ‘could’. Oh, will we ever learn? We should.



The first two sentences here are so good. Fingers turn inward says so much, a line I'm jealous of. It's kind of gobbledygook after that but "prefer the 'could'" is well taken and appreciated. Could/should contrast is weak in a lesser writer's hands but you've built enough equity to make it mean something.



In anticipation a virgin shook.


I prefer a comma after anticipation.



That smell of sex and burning wood lets us neglect the furtive looks filling in for words that would… sour the moment.


This is an ellipsis l can get behind. Its not perfect but its good which is light years ahead than what someone like Activate Self would do with it. I like the breaking of a scheme after, it adds punch and gives weight to both the previous and next scheme while also serving the content. Burning wood / furtive looks is so natural and good, and it's just hidden right there.


Celestial bodies collide, we writhe and bow to the motion. Now it’s devotion;


Now its devotion is so good. I like it because I wrote like that. But it's good.



beauty flowering, potent, power unspoken. A little life, and a little death found its new home and I ask how are you soaking… up the dribble they churn these days?


Not as strong. The strong wording and use of punctuation getting repeated for lesser effect here.


Feminine. Sacred. Masculine. Ancient. Binary – dated? Black. White. Dark. Light. Death. Life. Wrong. Right. Left. Right. Yes? No. Let’s subvert nature just to break a tradition. Does dichotomy not pervade and predate our existence?

A bit too didactic at the end. And the first part of this is fine and good but a bit beneath the level of writing set up by the first half.

If you truly know yourself, what could I say or hold sway to make you think different? More than just egoic shells, see those aspects well beyond this frame and its gristle. Born blessed survivors, not by nature a victim. Maybe you’ll listen. Maybe you won’t.


I would have preferred 'maybe you'll listen' without the next sentence, with a comma into

Say I’m at fault if it suits you. Say I’m a dolt.


Yeah that'd be pretty strong. You're getting to smart here.

Don’t call me a rapper, poet or spoken word artist: I only aim to be human, and still stray from the target.


My least favorite part of the piece. Calling attention to the act in such a brutish way when everything, for the most part, has been so eloquent. A bit too proud.

This whole game is catharsis. I don’t claim to be honest. Spent my whole life silently dying for nurture.



First sentence is good, second sentence sucks, third is good.


Fighting inertia, and habits of defining your worth by what lies in your purse or trying to look behind the eyes which observe you. How do you look at yourself and be more concerned with their view? Where’s truth in that, we’re losing grasp on what matters to a terrifying standard. Can you verify you’re candid if you mechanized your manners, is it man or machine?


"Can you verify you're candid?" would have been so much better, dropping the rest. I feel like I'm getting more negative as I go on in feeding this. Maybe I'm losing my capacity to just say positive things for a prolonged period? I think all of the writing is good here, but the first half or so set such a good standard and it seems like you dipped into some easier paths as you went on. It's all better than most pieces but the first half was near flawless so it's all a curved scale.

A very fine lined balance, often the greatest ills are not exercised with malice. Somebody told me they do recognise my talent, but two years later won’t let me set alight the mic for more than five minutes. And I’d accept it, if we didn’t act like we were inclusive. Oh, we surely appreciate your nuance yea, if it’s confluent with what we are doing here.


those last two lines are gold.


Not once have I shared my soul without asking myself - what the fuck am I doing here?



Dope.


Losing hair to stress. Who can hear me best bruise the air with breath?


Dope.


Too concerned/incensed that my self-expression is superbly dense until the words regret the tongue they spill from, and the lungs that build ‘em. How lost we are, attempt to act ourselves, lament the fact we fell like strangers confounded.


First part of this half way got there for me.



These disparate strands we cannot yoke, so we remain such proud things.


Dope.



Decay is surrounding: to stay grounded is a fool’s endeavour


Not so good.



. Bask in the moonlit splendour, soak in the sun rise that’ll eventually pass. Watch the wind from my window, caress blades of grass. Heartbeats like undulating oceans, elements crash against eternal rock. See the beauty between verdurous landscapes and city’s venomous fog. From a lover’s palm plucked an alyssum flower, its petals gently drop. A metaphor for trying to find meaning I’ve lost. Are we here for a reason? Will you leave a response?

All of this is gold.


You have such strong phrasing and command of language, and you know it. So you add these supposedly grand statements of intent and opinionated fact. Just drop all of those and write it instead. On a whole I probably said this was the best piece on the first page because it was a top level piece by someone I thought was just a random writer. But when it's good it's absolutely at the top tier. The hiccups were there, with my preferences in mind, but I prefer something like this where the highs are something I would aspire to write, than some even keeled okay piece of writing.