[sral]

"Craigslist Personal Ad" (2009)

Posted today on craigslist

Hey ladies, how ya doin? Let’s just say my name is John
And I’m looking for a Jane Doe to take home to mom
Wait, no—that’s wrong; I just wanna have some fun tonight
And see what it’s like when you swallow my come and die
My sex drive is vicious, guess I like killing beavers
My dick’s a lethal weapon… that’s why it’s 9 millimeters
I mean it. About me: I’m 6 feet tall and I’m wild at heart
Sure, I don’t drink or smoke but I’m trying to start
I still live with my parents, cause no rent is the bomb
But don’t worry, we can do it in their bed when they’re gone
So let’s get it on; I want sex for free, please cross-dress for me
While we watch MTV and swap STDs
Oh yeah, um… I got herpes—I hope that don’t bother you
But I’m not a fool… shit, chances are you got it too
I hate pets—they’ll make me sick when they’re watching us fuck
I’ll vomit if I’m conscious enough when I’m knocking you up
But I sort of feel relieved that I’m morbidly obese
Cause all that really means is there’s more of me to please
So no matter how desperate your lovelife seems
Just remember you’re on craigslist, girl… just like me