Quote:
Originally Posted by Introvert
The biggest issue, for me, is that so many of the words feel forced in order to keep the rhyme scheme. It's a multi-intensive piece, which is fine, but it feels like multis for multis' sake. I'm going to put all of the lines I think are extremely forced in below:
There are others in there, but these are the biggest offenders. Most of these have no meaning outside the scheme you've put together.
Like, why Lebanon in particular? What does it mean to have real life problems to drop? Why do you wish the depression can't(can?) stop?
The answer is, they don't fit. You could cut most of the lyrics in this to pull together something meaningful:
Sometimes less is more. Obviously, you'll need to go in and play around with the second version if you choose to take this advice, but this is a much better jump-off point for clarity's sake. There are enough good lines here to build off of. For example:
Why are your homies starting to vanish? Why is the speaker depressed? What makes the speaker a rebel? What plight are they going through exactly? Is it the death of friends? Guilt? All of the above? If so, expand on THAT part.
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Yeah it's meant to be Can on that line. This was an older piece I did (2015-2016?) When the Arab Spring was going down so there was riots all over the middle East. I was kind of in a dark space in my head and lost a lot of my who I thought were close friends. I appreciate the constructive criticism, I've improved more since then but thought this would be a nice written to share here.