The biggest issue, for me, is that so many of the words feel forced in order to keep the rhyme scheme. It's a multi-intensive piece, which is fine, but it feels like multis for multis' sake. I'm going to put all of the lines I think are extremely forced in below:
Quote:
everybody just minding they're stances
they started dropping bombs in Lebanon
honestly don't know how to cross
guess I got real life problems to drop
kinda wishing that this depression can't stop,
meet my composer also known as The controller
spawn my immortal pawn,
reminiscent of a storyteller telling preeminent fables,
lead a sinner to salvation and led the homeless to starvation
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There are others in there, but these are the biggest offenders. Most of these have no meaning outside the scheme you've put together.
Like, why Lebanon in particular? What does it mean to have real life problems to drop? Why do you wish the depression can't(can?) stop?
The answer is, they don't fit. You could cut most of the lyrics in this to pull together something meaningful:
Quote:
I can't stand this, my thoughts are growing outlandish,
and all my old homies starting to vanish
nearing the end, like the Mariner who killed the albatross,
can't look past my flaws,
done did things I can't tell my Moms,
leaving me with a repression of the presence of thoughts,
thought I fought hard but I guess my progression is flawed
Sought closure, wish this plight was over
maybe I can see the silver light and finally meet my composer
of my negative thoughts, distraught and withdrawn,
the rebel out here flipping tables,
inspired by the old-head back in the day flippin turntables,
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Sometimes less is more. Obviously, you'll need to go in and play around with the second version if you choose to take this advice, but this is a much better jump-off point for clarity's sake. There are enough good lines here to build off of. For example:
Why are your homies starting to vanish? Why is the speaker depressed? What makes the speaker a rebel? What plight are they going through exactly? Is it the death of friends? Guilt? All of the above? If so, expand on THAT part.